West Ham United

Alledgedly

Goal Scorers - Zamora 2 and Cole

Up up and away on my beautiful balloon! The season is underway and Pardew’s boys are off to a flier and in more ways than one.

Admittedly most strikers like to get off the mark early doors, a nice tidy finish to boost confidence for the coming weeks but none more so than Mr Sheringham…. as the song goes ‘Ain’t Ted a Kick in the Head.

‘Teddy’s My Mr Bond’ was the headline in  this weeks Sunday Mirror, as Miss UK Danielle Lloyd lifted the lid on her sizzling romance with the ageing lothario.   

23 year old Danielle revealed ‘Teddys the best thing to come into my life he’s handsome, charming and so smooth…just like James Bond’. And to think some people reckoned he’d lost a yard over the summer.

And it goes on, ‘On a trip to Dubai Teddy treated me to the most romantic meal I’ve ever had . It may only have been fish fingers and chips but Teddy made it all so special’…. Jeez…what next artic roll for afters ? Although I had to get the Sunday Sport for the unabridged version where Danielle claimed Teddy left her full like a billposters bucket allegedly … sizzling stuff indeed.

But that is why we love Teddy. A 23 year old Miss UK blowing on him like a dog eating hot chips. He’s already a front runner for Hammer of the year in my book. Tedward we salute you …pity he played like an absolute drain but by the time he arrived on the pitch the game was in the bag.

It was the other substitute who really made an impact on the game. New signing Carlton Cole had to be content with a place on the bench as Zamora was given the nod upfront, but soon made up for that disappointment with a goal with only his second touch

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In his post match interview with a quip so sharp that it matched his finish, he monikered himself the  Martini striker , anytime, any place, anywhere. And his goal left Charlton shaken and the sell out crowd more than stirred.

His goal was the icing on the cake, the kebab on the all dayer , as earlier on a Lee Bowyer inspired performance had all but secured the win.  Bowyer was the cats knackers. Showing a verve and energy not seen in these parts since he last bought a happy meal.

Bowyer set up all three goals and aided by our Israeli captain produced a second half performance that was a class above anything Charlton had to offer. And it could have been better for Bowyer, in a move that epitomises the brand of football that Pardew is striving to attain. A flowing, one touch move saw Bowyer’s crisp effort crash against the Charlton post.

His performance deserved a goal, but the other finishes belonged to Zamora. Zamora bagged a brace but his overall performance was poor and his second goal was cloaked in farce. With more luck than Chris Brosnan his mishit volley went via a deflection, the inside of the post and a complete airshot from the covering defender, to roll over the line.

But 2 goals on the opening day is a fillip if ever there was. Whats a fillip who knows ? but I do know that there can only be one Judge, Onkah Judge.

Pards must have been happy with events, the blow of conceding an early penalty was cancelled out by ‘Hello… McFly’ Traore getting himself sent off and things pretty much went to plan after that.

Question’s though have to be asked about Pards attire for the afternoon white polo, slacks, tucked in, slip ons. He looked a right square, but the fashion stakes were high after Bobby Exile George dazzled in the Wakefield. 

The performance at times stuttered like Morris Minor and the Majors, especially in the first half as all 4 midfielders played within a 5 yard radius of each other, but  Charlton’s threat was nominal and any confusion that may be been evident as new players settled in was never going to be exploited.

With that oh so vital first home win, 3 goals, returning players getting another game under their belts and the Skelsthwaite Scorpions recording a vital win. Its a decent weekend all round as we know prepare for the tougher tests that lie ahead.

Ratings

Carroll. Like a big giant broad bean in gloves. 7

Konch. Those blue eyes are back in town, untucked and in the second half he was so far forward he was conkers deep in Luke Young. Played well.7

Gabby. Shaky like Michael J Fox. I think he was upset for Glynn. 4

Anton. Lips was solid, not much going with ‘just a fat Eddie Murphy’ to mark but composed and good aerials. 8

Mears - Not like Ray as he didn’t survive the halftime interval. He was doing ok but was reluctant to bomb on. Looked big, centre half in the making ? 5

Yossi - Good second half, he is so skilful I expect too much of him I reckon. I fear if I was his father he’d grow to hate me as my exacting standards are just too much and he feels that he can never me make me proud. I do love him but just want the very best is that too much to ask? I feel like Steve Shanahan and Yossi is my Rosemary. I need to look beyond… 7

Bowyer - Can Reo, Mullins and Bow become our Dogs of war ? I’d like that. Like Brendan Coles he was always assessing his options, kept his temper underwraps and is one hell of a mover. Bow wow WOW. A MoM 9

Mullins - He is the footings of the midfield. Solid. 7

Reo - Unfit. After an injury he always takes about 3 games to get back up to speed. I predict a big performance at Anfield although it may be more of the same on Tuesday and by that I mean dynamic in patches, racy in others but all in all a bit of anticlimax… just like an episode of Heartbeat. 6

Bobby Z - First ever home premiership goal, big up to the boy but milk these moments like an alpine milkmaid with an empty pail and a hand full of expectant udders…and tender teats…slowly..yet forcefully…up and down……errrmm *cough* 6 

Marlon - A bit of duffer today, looked a bit cocksure for my liking, bit arrogant… like do you know who I is ? Be onto to it Pards. 5

Subs - Paintsil - I liked him a lot. yeh yeh added a gloss finish to events, does what he says on the tin, big Pants John…how about we treat him with a little more respect. Well played Jonathan with such fine play you really will become the toast of the town. Tick Tock. 8

Teddy - Apparently banged her at halftime, then again at full time and once back at his boudoir he made love all night long. Whaddya guy.9

Sweet Carlton Cole do do do ( thats to sweet caroline folks, I’m feelin it) First touch and hes exposed to just the keeper second touch and he’s drilled it in….. he hasn’t been in that situation before has he ? Good goal big boy. 8

Into the Hornets nest we go…..