West Ham United

Canoe and Andrew.

‘We’ll score again , don’t know where , don’t know when but I know we’ll score again some sunny day….altogether now…we’ll score again don’t know where don’t when…’ Cockney wit eh? What a crazy bunch of waccado’s we really are.

Man O Man (god bless that show) is this season depressing. I’m so so depressed I could be Peter Cech’s skull. What with Fred, I say Fred passing away and then a defeat to those bell ringing inbred south coast swampwhores..I’m not happy.

2 nil. And despite what Pards might profess it was a comprehensive defeat and all masterminded by 4 premiership veterans who  at some stage of their careers have all been a bit of a laughing stock.

Nwanku *titter* Canoe, Sol ‘change at Baker St’ Campbell, Andrew Cole and David Calamity, Nintendo, Jamo James did the damage with quality displays especially the 35 Nigerian years, 84 European years old Kanu. A goal from him and a late tuck home from Cole sealed a comfortable 3 points for Pompey.

But up until Kick off we’d had quite the day out despite Fratton being twinned with  New Jack City ‘give me a job Nino you gotta give me a job Nino’, we ended up in Gunwharf harbour and Toots Supergrass and I were in gentrification heaven.

Being the sophisticats that we are the Yachts, the Wine bars, the Frankie and Benny’s really became us. In fact as we sipped exotic Australian lager and ate Daloon rolls it really was living La Vida Loca and Supergrass was our furry Ricky Martin.

Unfortunately the talent wasn’t exactly top drawer in fact at times it was like being in the middle of a Picasso painting, cubist period. Needless to say Supergrass still managed a couple lazy’s.   

But as 2.30 rolled round, being the social chameleons that we are, we flicked into football mode; the Green St Elite were on the move. And as the game kicked off the team actually started well.

We dominated the opening exchanges, but very much like Extras and Fresh Fields we’ve got the second series blues, we’ve no killer punch line for all the decent build up play. And after 25 dominating yet toothless minutes Pompey scored with a Walter Softy of a goal.

 Ethers didn’t close down Johnson and as Kanu, yes That Kanu , the one famed for his aerial prowess and sharp movement in the box, evaded Anton. He was left free to shoulder home Johnson’s floated cross and past old squashy face in goal.

1 nil down and at this point you could have a stuck a fork in as we were as good as done. The rest of the half we were like the Unconventionals all over the place and wearing cardigans. Teddy decided to have a row with Johnson at one point and at another conjecture a fan got chucked out of the ground by 8 old bill in front of a rather bemused Mascherano. We were in  need of halftime inspiration.

I imagined that scene from the Wonder years, where Kevin Arnold joins the Soccer team and it’s full of all the geeks including his mate Paul and the one with twitch and their 12 nil down at halftime and Coach Pop Macintyre has his head in his hands as he realises what his life has become….

                                                 Kevin Arnold hanging with 16yr old 

So for Kevin read Nigel, I prayed he could deliver the locker room speech that would reignite Pop Macintyre and turn our fortunes around… But alas from that day on I knew things would never be the same…

No real reason for this photo..but its him yes Kevin Arnold (Fred Savage) as he is today. You would never have guessed would you… 

Second half we looked marginally more of a threat James saved well from Konch and Reo but Pompey never got to the desperate defending stakes and were never stretched.

Our play in central midfield was fine and generally up until the final third was ok but we lack belief at the moment, no one willing to take responsibility, no one wanting to take a man on, try the something unexpected..As I often say during polite conversations ‘It is better to be the widow of a hero than the wife of a coward’

But then as Yossi and Etherington skipped out the way of yet another tackle I was more inclined to agree with Sinitta and  say that he needs to be so macho.

So as our attempts at creating an attempt on goal became ever more futile, it left Pompey the chance to score a second. Gabby was back to his bingo winged worst and allowed Fernandes to get a run on him, bad communication from Anton and Spector allowed a simple one two to breach the defence and although Spector was unlucky like a Benfica keeper with his recovering challenge Cole was sharper than the rest to sweep home.

Game over and as we looked over at Pardew suited and booted I thought it’s gonna take more than a touch of spiff to get him through the next few weeks.

Yids next….it might hurt…

Ratings.

Roy’s Rolls – Crap, he is non existent  this season, he fills you about as much confidence as a Top gear health and safety manual. In fact as your on top of the players at Fratton park one fan screamed at him to ‘get ’em going’ and Roy let out this meek ‘c’mon Gabby your all very very nice people’. Boy did that shake ’em up. And I’m afraid Roy for that reason you’re out… 4

Konch – As average as it goes, couple of scuffers from the edge of the box, but none of the marauding, overlap to the byline, whipped in cross followed by a healthy dose of rape and pillage of the front row of opposing fans. 5

Gabby – What’s happened to him, lackadaisical ain’t the word. He needs some discipline.  If he was on ladette to lady that teethy headmistress would have that shirt tucked in and he’d be walking with a book on his head whilst arranging flowers until the cows came home. Unless he smartens up jolly quickly he is utterly utterly out of this team. 4

Anton – Not much better, no one tried to steal his watch which was a start, didn’t get into a fight which was good, didn’t get arrested so well done Anton things are looking up. Now about Kanu he’s 12 ft 7 and has size 18 feet watch him next time. 5

Jonnnaathhhaann – Beauty school drop out…A real life sweet valley high school quarter back in the team and he’s bound to be banging the prom queen. The all American dream, boy would I love a thick shake with this guy. Clean cut, Ivy League, Omega sigma frat….go defence…but can you imagine him on spring break…Party on Jonathan… Party on Monk. Excellent. 6

Ethers – Since when did we sign Charles Hawtry for the left wing? That Girls Aloud bint dropping him has a lot to answer for. Dirty Fuckpig I vow never to cough yoghurt over you again. Come on Matt.. for me.. 5

Mullins – MoM…yes our Man O Man. Just getting on with things. No doubt a simple man with simple pleasures but everyone needs someone like that. And after all this is said and done  I hope he marries his long-time sweetheart and starts a family up on his grandpa’s farm in the hills…but strictly avoids any camping trips herding sheep with Donnie Darko. That would be nice. 7

Reo Cokeleberry – Actually bad boy, rude boy, public enemy number one did alright. Dynamic first half but faded second. Been dug out enough this year. I predict a massive game for him at Spurs.  7

Yossi – What loser Charles Hawtry on one wing and Mr Bean on the other all the goal threat of Batters down mile end. He just had to be injured. He was the mayor of stinksville. Shocking. 3

Bob – he at least tried his best, but you know what’s he like, all fancy flicks and pretty teeth. Not one effort anywhere the goal…infact not one attempt from our inform striker…worrying. 5

Ted – Ummmmm First half was alright, involved and even a little fire in the belly. 2nd a total nonentity. I have to say I preferred him to Bobby but he is not the answer. I’d imagine in a winning creative team Ted would shine cos he still has touch and vision but in one scraping for anything like a goal he’s a passenger. Sorry Ted I love you and you bangtastic exploits but relegation scrap nah… 5

Subs – made no impact and the choice all wrong. 1

Gutted I’m nervous for Sunday and I when I say nervous, its Tena lady time
From Friday onwards…

The Photographer has since been sacked for producing an image that appears that I’m not quite looking my best..Got the lighting all wrong….

The Cockle Picker.

Pain in the Rain

Didn’t it rain ? but lets be honest it needed it. Well not really but its what old slightly senile grand parents say and unfortunatley that feels a little bit like Pard’s post match interview. 

After slumping like George Michael behind the wheel of car to a 5th successive defeat Pards states ’we’re gonna be alright’ and ‘we just need a bit of luck’ and ‘no one is panicking’, the only thing he forgot to add was that ‘we’re too good a side to go down’.

Now I don’t think we will go down but the atmosphere around the place at the moment is wholly reminiscent of this time 4 years ago. A goal from the cockle pickler after only 75 seconds sealed our fate.

He skipped past Benayoun’s nominal attempt at a tackle and smashed the ball past Carroll from 20 yards and that was about as far up the pitch as Reading dared venture all game. They proceded to sit back, dig in and hang on for what they could.

To our credit we responded positively and we dominated proceedings so much so that you could have renamed Reading our Boobey. Although Pards had a touch of the Raymond Babbits about in the postmatch interview, his team selection beforehand was his most understandable and IMO correct  of the season.

The defence due to injuries picked itself, but in midfield our balance was restored and importantly an enviroment that was to offer the disruptive and underwhelming  Reo Coker no excuses. Up front we at last had a target man in Cole and Tevez was given a much more central attacking brief.

And it worked, as the rain made the surface wetter than a pensioner at a Mecca bingo near Sandhurst, we adapted to the conditions better . Tevez ,Cole ,Mullins and Yossi created some decent flowing football.

We had strikes from distance that never really troubled Hahnamann but we were on top and at the back Gabby instead of the flabby, floppy, Liz McDonald’s cleavage of a performance we’d been seeing of late alongside the genuis he was tight.

Tevez was also worthy of mention, yeh ok he may look like he’s been bobbing for chips in a deep fat fryer, but with the ball at his feet he is a beaut.Maybe two,,, three games at the most, in that position , playing alongside Cole and we will have some player on our hands..maybe White Hart lane is the his destiny.

So the second half kicked off and I was pregnant with expectation. This was it. The 45 minutes where we redefine our season. I was convinced Upton park was gonna be a better place. I hoped the players had looked in the halftime mirror, realised that it was gonna feel real good, that they were gonna make a difference.

Even Pard’s had turned up the collars of his favourite winter coat and as we came back out on to the pitch I roared. I roared so loud my uvula started bleeding. Yes I roared.

As aside talking of uvula’s my mate has got a massive one and when he’s asleep it relaxes so much he can feel it lying there on the middle of his tongue. Wrong…Uvula freaks weirdo shit.

But as the half progressed it seemed my bleeding uvula was to be in vain. The game was shaping up exactly the same as the first half with Reading rounding the wagons just outside the penalty box and us laying half a siege.

Only difference was no early goal for the dog eater who incidentally said that his goal was dedicated to San Lee. Our former Korean superstar who was last seen at little heath with a bus ticket to Morecombe in his pocket.

Mullins was providing the thoughtful prompting and Yossi Matty and Tevez were taking up great positions but lacking any kind of telling final ball. Tevez in fact had two woeful efforts from the edge of the box as his tireless running was beginning to take toll. They (Reading) called him a Fat Maradona. Genius.

Pard’s made the changes and took Tevez and Carlton off to bring on Ted and Bobby Zee. And the fresh legs almost had the desired effect. Sheringham with a great reverse ball put Ethers away and his half shot, half cross went inches wide of both post and player, Zamora almost wriggled a way through and then finally at the very death Benayoun was able to lob over Hahnemann only to see Sidwell clear from under his own cross bar. It defo wasn’t to be.

In the post match analysis there were plus points, our defence which had leaked like a mother of six’s pelvic floor all season was tighter. Maybe Dailly provided our kegel maneourves.  

Our passing was sharper and more purposeful and the front pairing had much promise. We just hope that these green shoots of recovery won’t be downtrodden by ‘R ‘Arry if that is the case   and the rot isn’t stopped then winter looks long.

Ratings.

Carroll – He’s a worry I think, last year he was all over Anton and Gabby like Alf on piece of Mrs Ventris cake. This year he’s indecisive and a bit of shrinking erm luminous green violet if the truth be told. Must be lacking confidence…which happens if you’re not fully fit?? Just an idea like guv…5

Phil – Young Blond and American. So what do we reckon is he, Ivy League college boy and owns a cardigan with a big C, or is he just a skater boy whose ‘got two tickets to Iron maiden maybe….. Thought he played well got a bit of gay body shape.  Moment on the lips lifetime on the hips Jonathan…7

Danny G – That was better, not flawless but better much better. Maybe it’s the Mullins screen that does the trick and maybe his punts upfield didn’t look so bad as Cole was making something of it. But overall encouraging from the care bear. 6

Dailly. Solid putting it on the line. But he always does this, lulls you in for a couple of games ‘actually he’s not that bad’, ‘he can do a job’, ‘don’t know what all the fuss was about’…then BANG out come the clown shoes and its 14-nil to Chesterfield. Paying dues though was up to it today. Well played but please get fit soon Anton. 7

Konch – Best piece of play came when only had his sock on. He was ok today. Never put any under pressure and at last in the second regained a bit of confidence to go on and do a semi maraud or two. As I say the green shoots are there can he build on it, will he build on it Hope so. Build it buttercup.6

Yossi – Yossi Yossi I’m at a lossi. He is so skilful brave and has such good work rate yet he just doesn’t have that Berkovic vision and end product. He looked a lot more at hoe on the right of midfield today with no Bowyer or Tevez in his way and seemed to know exactly where he was on the pitch but still I just want a bit more even a shot would be nice. 6

Mullins – The Partition. Man of the Match and just a general big up all-round to the fella. Really positive reaction to be being dropped no sounding off ala Bobby Zee. Just head down and when he’s come back in just picked up where he left off. brill. 8

Reo Coker – Can’t be arsed to get all down on him, but just check his pull out poster, ’I am footballer not a model’ in the programme. Wrong. Caption competition anyone ?

The bloke is so low on confidence he hides from the ball but he’s so arrogant he won’t admit it and instead throws a hissy fit when he gets subbed. No excuses to day his mates were along side him and he didn’t deliver. 4

Ethers – well he is out of form, time and again he’s got into dangerous positions and failed to deliver, when he crossed high it should have been low, low when high etc etc etc . Again it was good to see him in those positions and we look a t better side for it but if continues to fuck up all his good work then he’s got be dropped. 5

Cole – Back to goal, in the air excellent, did what Harewood did last year and unsettled people left right and centre but on the ground when it matters in the box he had the touch of a milk truck driver. We need him though and more than justified his place above Bobby zee.

Subs - did ok. Nowt that Great. teddy had two sublime moments but no more of a goal threat than previously.