Oh dear, about 2 Sundays ago after Philippe Christenval’s first goal since primary school had secured that dramatic point for Fulham I was sat sipping coffee, stroking the cat, looking out from my New York style loft conversion and admiring my well worked physique. Despite the result that day I was taking positives from the game. I truly thought a corner had been turned. I just imagined Curbs and his band of bounty hunters, desperados’ and kids from the other side of the tracks uniting, bonding and conquering all before him, maybe like the Wicked Willy franchise in the 80’s…….
I thought of how little Yossi Benayoun danced his way through the Fulham midfield with carefree abandon like a little elf with a magical piccolo, I thought of how I just had to shout ‘come on Nigel’ when the ball was in central midfield, I thought of angry Luis competing yet cheating and with my Bernard Matthews turkey roll for lunch everything was gonna be alright…I just knew it.
But yesterday changed all that, any kind of optimism, hope or faith was crushed, I left Upton Park a broken man. I fear for us, with our confidence as brittle as a wanker’s hankie we could well roll over like a national express coach on its way back from Aberdeen over the rest of the season.
I suppose this utter and total deflation of expectation is best surmised by Lucas Neill. It was chapter 4 page 26 from the Alan Curbishley manual of endearment.. An Aussie.. who used to play for Millwall…. on shit loads of cash….. gets seriously injured on debut. I already feel a special place in my heart for Lucas….
It was just a horrible afternoon, ok so it’s the cup, concentrate on the league etc etc. But our team selection, maybe it was out of necessity, was scary. It was midtable championship. Have we ever fielded such a make shift back four…. A less creative midfield, and such a shot shy strikeforce.
We’ve made our signings, just about shown our hand and not one of them you can see having the verve energy or ability to grab us by the scruff of the neck and get us out of it, like a lioness with her endangered cubs. Where is our Bagheera to look after the man cubs ?Where’s our tiger on the games field ? no Les Ferdinand, no Rufus Brevett, No Bilic, No Hartson. Players that came in and immediately lifted all around them, hit the ground running. Fuck its depressing. Were going down.
I ask you already, Shaun Newton right midfield ??, ok he can’t help the fact he’s without neck and forgets to take the hanger out of his shirt when he plays, but that has to be the worst 45minutes I have ever seen from a West Ham player. Certain Irony that the Newton is the SI unit for force, cos there wasn’t a hell of lot of force on view in that performance let me tell you sonny jim… actually when searching for famous Newton’s, Shaun ranks quite highly, behind Isaac, Helmut, Wayne (I like the look him by the way) and Thandie but I suppose Shaun being the 5th most famous Newton is about as relevant as Jade thinking she’s the 25th most influential women in the world.
But trust me for those that didn’t attend he was horrific. From the magic of Yossi and his piccolo masterclass to this in 2 weeks. All I can do to make it better is post a picture of Thandie Newton.
Or if that doesn’t help then check out Vinegar..natures secret weapon, maybe that’s whats missing from Upton Park..not enough vinegar.
The game in a low quality kinda way was relatively entertaining, especially if it had come without the backdrop of our current plight. The first half saw chances at both ends. Zamora hit the bar with a header in the first minute, Foster saved from Newton when put clean through and Cole curled inches wide from 20 yards out, and at the other end they had a goal disallowed and of course scored. Carroll, with more flaps than the Razzle Xmas special, was wholly at fault for the goal. Droppable is all I can muster.
Our makeshift defence just about held up to fearsome threat of Henderson. Spector and Dailly scuffed and scrambled most of the long balls to safety, but never comfortably and never in a way that would allows us to retain possession. If Watford’s game plan was all about Henderson, our game plan seemed it was more about Henson, Jim.
Reo Coker and Quashie like a couple of his doozers working away in midfield, Big Bird Carlton Cole upfront and Merv and Curbs, Statler and Waldorf. Wankers
“Come on Nigel, chase your cares away, troubles for another day..”
“So whaddya reckon Merv…should I get back to the spectacles”
The second half was pretty much one way traffic, Zamora Newton and Boa Morte all missed golden opportunities, a couple scrambled off the line but we never looked like having the quality to score.. Quashie had took it upon himself to become our Liam Brady taking the ball of the centre backs, dictating the tempo, spraying effortless cross fields balls…well he tried but it was a bit more Karen Brady if the truth be told. But its not as if Mark Noble likes to play that role…or Javie Masch….oh no Quashie’s our man.
Curbs tried subs, but Teddy was lost, maybe his heart bleeds for Danielle, god knows he had to dump her but love is cruel, yes it is a mans world but it don’t mean nothing…
Oh Jesus where do we go from here…do you ever yearn for change…
Ratings
Carroll. – Calamitous Carroll, Roy of the Ricketts, one for Stu and all the grolsch bottle tops on your loafers wearers out there..Drop the Roy….quickly 3
McCartney – I thought he did ok, a bit one paced but I’ll give him a pat on the back. Well done Linda. 7
Ohohoh he comes from America… (to the tune of Razor light rock on). I really wish he would speak to Ken Barlow and get himself a decent conditioner on his hair. He looks so uncouth at times, so unkempt, nothing a proper wash and blow dry wouldn’t sort out. And as the old adage goes a tidy haircut gives a tidy mind. A tidy mind is a tidy performance. Struggled but gamely. 6
Dailly – Struggled…but gamely. He did seem to carry Fuck yeh Jonathan at times , not as much as Ball carried Cannon for all those years but overall did ok whole hearted committed but quality just ok. 6
Neill – Does he look overweight ?? I reckon he went nuts on Australia day ate to many Anzac biscuits with vegemite got fat and then got injured. Was alright for his 15minutes till injury. 4
Luis. What a shocker from him. Looks like he’s moody punk and I’m not sure I like him. We need to keep Ethers as a reserve cos if Luis starts to serve up that kinda shite we need a viable alternative. He had a John Reid of an afternoon. 2
Nigel Reo Coker. By no means the worst, he only gave the ball away once which is an improvement and was involved in all our better moments. Suffered by the substitutions as we *cough* *ahem* went for it so he was shoved out on the right. I don’t think he’s playing that badly at the moment he does need his midfield partner to also be firing. But Nigel did ok…no doubt it won’t be good enough for Bada but I’ve given up on his unattainable standards he sets. No one will ever be good enough for Bada. 6
Kama Quashie – Decidedly average, he’s kinda almost good but not quite and he doesn’t do anything really well, just a whole bunch of things ok. Makes a few passes, makes a few tackles has a couple of shots but nothing outstanding. Bit like me in school sports jack of all trades master of none, if he could up it a notch and do everything that split second quicker he’d be alright. 5
Newton – Cock .0
Carlton Cole – Our best player, I’m warming to him and you can see him getting visibly fitter with each game. He’s not a massive goal threat but puts himself on the line and that’s not in Shaun Newton type way, He was my plus point. 7
Zamora – I just don’t get it, surely we have to start with teddy and then as the game gets stretched Bobby with that bit of pace comes on with 20 minutes left. Teddy of course is never gonna adjust to the pace of the game in the final 10 minutes and if he is gonna be involved at all he has to start. Zamora’s faults are well documented but it’s not his fault he’s starting, we have to direct interrogating eyes at Curbs for that one.
Subs – no impact, apart from Pantsill, who looks totally and utterly bewildered by the whole experience. I wonder what his views on the gays adopting kids really are ?
CHOW
