Meanwhile over at White Hart Lane……BWHAHAWAHAHA…lol…LOL…… not even chimp boy Gareth Bale’s first goal could disguise the fact ‘Europes most feared strike force ™’ are about as effective as a John and Olivia Walton contraceptive. In fact Gary Lineker has a better strike rate than the not so fantastic four this season….Bent Defoe Berbatov and Keane…putting the quad into quadriplegic. You have to be feelin this….
And so with Spurs anchored in the bottom four and for about 2 hrs West Ham sitting proudly in the top 4 there was a certain Salvador Dali air to Saturdays proceedings. Add in the fact that we won 3 nil yet Rob Green was our best player, Carlton Cole was on the pitch and Exile was drinking an exported Polish beer called lecher ’twas strange day indeed. Oh no my watch has just melted….
The game started ok for us, we looked bright as a button to begin with , strong and handsome with just a touch of romance in our play . Although Julio Arca, sporting a Simba, looked the best player on the park for 20 minutes. I really do think Jimmy Collins could be the man in our side to pull off this greasy wop, elastic band look and without doubt Hack is our man to bring it to the terraces…we’ll all have one before the seasons out.
Our best moment early on was Deano having a goal ruled offside and a Collins effort from a corner, but as the expectation started to rise and the performance threatened to take off, our nuts became neutered. For no real reason it looked as if we had to sell our house on the avenue and move back into the walk.
Boro took a bit of grip on proceedings, and inexplicably in my oh so humble opinion Rochemback got into the game, a real prader willie of a player and the most un Brasilian Brasilian ever. But he got Boro ticking over and after the best move of the match so far ‘he’s here, he’s there, he’s ali-adi-ere’ spunked his money shot onto the post. It was a sitter and with the way the game was panning out this was a massive let off.. (weren’t Freddie and Alialialiaddyair s’posed to be at like jackhammers at Arsenal..ohh lovers reunited the romance continues)
Performances in the first half, apart from that first ten minutes were subdued, maybe it was international fixtures, maybe it was rustiness or most likely it was Pavarotti’s death that had affected the mindset. The black armbands a constant reminder for the players. It was a respectful touch though from the club as he was an influence and role model to many West Ham fans…Herts, Batters, Exile….RIP in Luciano.
Bellamy also had to come off injured, how typical of his career that just at the point were you think yes yes yes, Bellamy - Mon Amie. An inform, match winner who could win us a game single-handedly…oh what was that ? he’s injured….*tut**grinds teeth**claws cornea* I felt let down, not as let down as a one-to-GO passenger but still it was disappointing.
So it was up to Carlton Cole to come on…and errr step up to the plate (no shit how de rigueur is that phrase for sports coaches at the moment, McClaren, Collingwood, B Ashton, Curbs…). And with that it was halftime. Halftime was painful…I got stung for a round, Aartist and Goldtooth wallowed in the glow of my lightened wallet…infact they wallowed a little too much as the roar went round the ground.
Bowyer had netted and we’d missed it. We rejoined the euphoria of the terrace, and tried to share the joy…but it wasn’t the same, we were lonely in a sea of people, outside we masqueraded but inside our hopes had faded, later that night in a lonely room I cried the tears of a clown.
But all that bollocks was short lived. Cole rampaged through the Boro midfield and with the spatial awareness of a hammerhead shark. He could sense Luke Young’s desperado attempts to get back, he judged the defenders angles, used his enhanced peripheral vision to judge his running pace and then played the ball perfectly so that Young was helpless hapless and apparently soon to be hipless if you believe Skerrit and all Young could do was divert into his own net. Cole had delivered a perfect cross. Honest.
This time we cheered with rather than at, we were in with the incrowd, we were at one with the rapture. My soul glowed. West Ham were 2 nil up and cruising.
But cruising ain’t all smokey robinson and the miracles, Tuncay then became prominent but fortunately for us profligate. Frailities (a lack of pace and understanding) in our central defence were being exposed and the Boro forward was presented with 2 absolute sitters. The first one he lobbed onto the cross bar and the second one brought a fantastic save from Rob Green. The game felt far from over well that’s until we scored another 2007/2008 trademark break away goal. The curbs signature dish. Ca Marche the counterattack.
Mullins to Ethers to Ashton. Quick as a flash, all on the counter. 3nil and that was effectively that. Ethers cross was superb and Ashton thankfully hasn’t left his strikers instinct on the treatment table and was there to finish from 4 yards. Full on CT payday Turbo relief for everyone. Tuncay had further chances and Green continued to be the rock that Curbs West Ham is founded upon and with Neill Upson and Collins performing more like Northern Rock it was a necessary performance from Greeno.
All that was left was for Cole to sweep horribly wide from 10 yards out , if it had gone in it would not only have flattered the team performance but also his own personal one. But hey ho who cares especially when you find out Kelly Brook is strictly come dancing this year. Life can be beautiful and a new series of the Royal. Walking on Sunshine.
3nil, 3 points, 4th place and an air of whats going on about the place. No one knows whether to be excited or whether we are merely meeting expectations, whether to like or dislike Curbs, whether to wear shorts or just accept its late September and wear jeans. We are in eerie Indiana at the moment folks and I’m not sure I like it. Massively happy with a draw next week. Still going for 15th.
Ratings
Green - Did everything and more, such good hands. The only criticism is that he shouts a lot but no one seems to listen. I think it is the Norfolk accent. Lose the accent boi and you might be a right lil rum un.Also his hair isn’t as blond as Kasper’s, could be important as the season progresses. Boodiful Bernard. 8/10
Neill - I think we should move quickly over this rating, nothing to see here at all. *supermarket music* *cough* 2/10 *more supermarket music*
Collins - Again not convincing, does somethings really really well, gets tight, good in air throws himself infront of everything. But slow, easily turned and still goes to ground too early. Seems a nice lad though. 6/10
Upson - The master of running backwards on his toes whilst pointing, bit quiet isn’t he ? Dan you glean any reason for that from his Sainsburys shopping cart ? he did ok, 7mil ok I’m not sure, but ok Well presented. 6/10
George - I quite like him. Solid as you like, ok so he’s in the Gerrard haircut brigade and he always looks like he’s defending under siege, not a massive amount of composure. But he’s one of the good guys. 6/10
Bowyer - Well if he keeps scoring he is an asset to the team, if he doesn’t score then he doesn’t offer a whole lot. Surely he will make way for Freddie sooner rather than later. But the goal was excellent, fair play to the angry little ant.7/10
Mullins - Carlton is back. This is the player we had 2 seasons ago, simple effective keeping possession and staying on is feet. The other Hayden Mullins or ‘debut Hayden’ as I call him still lurks in there. It’s a very fine line. Lets rejoice in the angel hayden who is in control at the moment and hope the… ‘yeh squeeze her tits’…’yeh fuck her brains’ isn’t seen for while. 8/10
Noble - Did ok, looked leggy and bit heavy. So much of his game is about being dynamic but wasn’t quite there. Still tidy in possession and looks like he belongs. Let Michael Johnson take all the headlines and we’ll keep Marky boy under wraps for a little bit longer. 7/10. can someone please tell me does he still live in Beckton ?
Ethers - Can’t say too much or Flash will accuse me of wanting to bum him. I think Flash is jealous. Great cross for the goal. Chinny reckon Flashy Chinny reckon…suuuuuuffferrr. But your team Flash would have Ethers quicker than a Joe C heartbeat, Keane is a long time admirer. 8/10
Bellars - off injured, throwing a sickie so he can be home with the new born next week and I can’t blame him. Parental leave for fathers is an important issue that the PFA need to address. 4/10
Ash-o - Something still a bit arthritic about him, I didn’t see him do the robot in warm up so that could be to blame but his touch is still evident as is his awareness. Encouraging though and in contrast to his goals over a year ago he seemed genuinely happy to score and celebrate with ‘the lads’. More to come but he’s on the right road. 7/10
Cole - Oh dear, rangy gangly un coordinated, misser of sitters please welcome the Paolo frickin Wanchope for the 07/08 generation. It’s a thug life Carlton. Shape up or Ship out. 5/10
Subs didn’t get a look in and I’m bored probably like you also. Bye.