West Ham United

Well if Saturday taught us anything is that Americans sure do it better and bigger than anyone else….my word the New Orleans Saintsations…boom banging baby. Boy those jive turkeys could move. The hammerettes have got nothing on these girls and after watching Amy and her gang at halftime they should hang up there poms poms. It was like the full river dance production vs. the Swaffham Morris dancers, BenDovers ‘Chav and lovin it’ amateurs to Hugh Heffner’s playmates from the states.

What a disaster for McCarthy…a real faux pas…those trainers brand spanking new, they looked like the ones you buy from a ‘shoe’ shop, from the baskets, already paired up. McCarthy the man from Brantano f’sure.
So in rather high spirits I settled for the game. Hoping for some positive yardage in the opening exchanges, alas nothing much happened. Sunderland had the territorial advantage early on but it was until Nige burst past Arca deep in his own half that the game came to life. With his pace and power allowing him to surge towards the Mackems penalty area Steven Wright decided to get all brokeback on Nigel, and gave him the biggest cuddle anyone has ever seen on a football, it was tender yet decidedly masculine and as both laid in each others arms on the Upton park turf the ref had no option but to the book Wright. It was a classic case of too much too soon.

But Wright didn’t learn his lesson and in almost identical circumstances as Etherington skipped past him all he could was attempt to molest. An early bath for Dormski it was. McCarthy must have been gutted  but  could you take him seriously in those trainers ? Brand spanking new, they looked like the ones you buy from a ‘shoe’ shop, from the baskets, already paired up. McCarthy the man from Brantano f’sure.
 
After the sending off Sunderland then went to one upfront and predictably were attempting to hang out for point. Felt a bit sorry for the Sunderland fans…packed out there allocation…only 9 pts….21 pts ahead of us last season….and now a player sent off in the first 25mins. Yep I felt so so sorry for them. But nothing a pic of the New Orleans Saintsations won’t make better.

Ashton had one scuffed effort in the remainder of the half, as he pranced about like a baby giraffe; he was playing ok, in a rather staccato West ham performance.

The only thing of note at halftime was I saw the bloke from Big Brothers Big mouth, the one with the long hair, quite funny but likes the sound of his voice bit to much, well he looked the part in his west ham scarf and a pair of winkle pickers that were about 2ft long, could easily have been used to remove Skerrit’s Colonic companion. Not that interesting I understand….so here’s another picture of a New Orleans Saintsations

Second half Teddy was on for Bobby, and you knew it was Teddy’s type of game, we were camped in Sunderland’s half and it was going to take a piece of individual skill or a mistake to break the deadlock. Teddy looked sharp and almost put Etherington through, but it was a cross from left (Scaloni I think, who did well, but the ‘he don’t know what your on about ref he don’t speak any English gag’ wore thinner than a porn stars banjo string) that brought the first real save from Davis.

Ashton with a great twisting header saw Davis the tip the ball over in acrobatic style. And from then Sunderland started to weaken and with the introduction of Marlon the momentum was with us.

Marlon had a goal disallowed, a double penalty appeal was waved away as Yossi went tumbling and Teddy looked like he was fouled in the follow up and then it happened. As eyes started looking anxiously at the clock Deano got his debut goal. Harewood the creator as left Linda McCartney for dead and hammered his shot goal wards, it wasn’t dissimilar to the Blackburn game as Davis, at full stretch, palmed the ball wide, the onrushing baby elephant that is Ashton did the rest. Touchdown The London Irons. Dean Ashton Dean Ashton Headers Volleys and Pizza hut!

Konchesky then added a corker to add a bit of gloss to the scoreline, a real rasper from 30yrds into the top corner that the keeper had no chance with. Add that one the spectacular goals collection.

And that was it, scrappy kind of win with the sending off killing the game, but we never ever looked like losing the game, remained patient and Deano got his goal. I’m as happy as CCTV security officer in the Puss in boots nightclub.

Superbowl ratings

Shaka – Did absolutely fuck all of note. Our specialist net minder was not needed to make any defensive plays. 6

Ol’ Blue eyes – Did a lot better than of late, and with the goal I reckon he’s back. Konch this bud’s for you..7

Anton and Gabbidon – Gabby found it tough in the air vs. Kyle but then he is massive and looks like a really boring square freckly fucker. I hated him. Anton didn’t break sweat, cruised it. 6.5

Lionel – I liked the look of him, and I’m sure he liked the look of me. Looks like he can pass, wants to get forward, an able deputy for football genius yep that’s the kinda level compliment I’m willing to hand out here. Looked a bit lost when we scored, no one he was right on the fringes of all the hugging. I hope he makes friends this week at his new school. 7

Cassh’ – Not his type of game, no attacks to break up, no easy simple balls to play as we were camped in there half, and never looked like producing a killer ball. Subbed and subdued. 5

Nigel – Bit in and out and would have liked to have seen him run beyond Ashton and Sheringham a few times. Dynamic in patches. Probably him and Mullins were the two who felt the effects of the Arse games more than anyone. Is in the lead in the taking your shirt off at the end of a game stakes. 6

Ethers – Not as good as Arsenal, but not so much space for him to manoeuvre into. Tended to drift inside a bit too much, bit gutted we’ve had no gossip about him recently, no poker, no girls aloud most disappointing. 6

Yossi – Lovely piece of skill at the start of the second half and you have to say what a lovely haircut, a real early nineties curtains affair. I bet Flash had curtains and allayed to his foppish charm made him a real Hugh Grant amongst sixth formers. Great touches, great moments of skill, no end product. 6

Bobby Zee – Did nothing wrong and unlucky to be subbed. We needed Teddy on but it would have been harsh to take off the 7m signing at halftime. 6

Ashton – whoever said Hartson in the good times was right, bit lumbering and bit balding. Naturally plays with his back to goal which is what we want but just needs to get that little bit sharper all-round. Goal on debut will do for now. 7

Marlon – Loved it, great attitude. Will start on Monday. 7

Teddy – Its all good from Ted, a cameo here a cameo there, my Teddy Sheringham signed red codpiece is getting full value. 7

City of Culture, home of The Beatles, the Albert Docks and tin head. What a fuckin shithole…….now I realise that Green st ain’t exactly the Hampton’s but my word if that is a city of culture..Norfolks a county of genetic diversity.

It was rough, and our pre match drinking venue, the flat iron, was in keeping with these salubrious surroundings.  The walls had more flock than an episode of one man and his dog and the clientele looked like a section of the bullseye studio audience had been bussed in during a break in filming. Thick rimmed glasses, blue rinses, strong whiff of werthers originals u get me…DMP country…

So as fully paid up members of Toots new glossy posse (collars up) we didn’t exactly fit in but with Aarts brother in law passing for a sun kissed Rafa I think we got away with it. In fact talking of Rafa, bit of culture shock for the old boy, as he realised that a fast black gave you a lift in these parts as opposed to taking you for a ride back home. (Sorry to all the lemons reading this…poetic licence)

But beer was drunk and at 2.50 it was time to enter Anfield. It was my first time, but the only thing of note about the ground was the player’s car park is at the back of the main stand and in the middle of a supporter’s thoroughfare, so you can actually touch your favourite player’s car, and I mean that….. proper touch it. I swear I saw 16yr old rub his groin against Gerrard’s Austin princess.

Anyway Cisse’s car was the understated little run around that you’d imagine. 

My seat in the ground was absolute garbage. Back row under a roof of sorts and could not see the cross bar at the far end, my head was at right angles for 90mins ask DMP he’ll vouch for me, so my assessment of the game is pretty limited, sorry let me rephrase that, I had an excuse for my assessment of the game being pretty limited.

We started with Yossi in the middle and Bellion on the right but that soon swapped as we had number 1 tactical switch of the day. We struggled to get possession but looked comfortable defensively. Morientes was dropping deep, Gerrard was isolated out right and Cisse displayed all the subtlety of an Iranian PM.

But they got a goal, as the excellent Alonso’s long range effort flicked off Repka and took it beyond a hapless Shaka (I might call him Ocean finance from now on, cos there were a fuck of a lot of instalments before he went down today and more importantly he’s just as cheery of nature as those job dodgers on the advert.)

We did ok for a while huffin and puffin but had very few fluent passing movements. We tend to play too much in front of the opposition in away games and find it difficult to get a territorial advantage in the game; our good passages of play tend to be happening in our half. God forbid an all that but a longer ball game away from home is what  coach Monk would be advocating but then hey I truly believe I could have taken that Jamaican bob sleigh team all the way to gold. (Candy was a total mug)

Halftime was alright, you can buy beer in the ground…carlsberg…Liverpool is an alright place you know. Somegeezer did a spot on Derek acorah for me…thank you sam. I was able to straighten the kink in my neck (go away ray Davies I said ha ha ha) which was a relief

Second half offered a glimmer of a way out, we did have about ten minutes when you dared to hope, the house wives favourite Paul Ol’ Blue eyes Konchesky was getting forward, Marlon started to get some joy from ‘I bet he’s’ had the same haircut all his life’ Jamie Carra Carragaher, Reo started to buzz but it wasn’t enough consistently enough. Maybe it was a premonition as the last song from the Batters shuffle on the way up was ‘planning for Nigel’. The crook in my neck due to the poor visibility was starting to pester (I said Ian can’t you fuck off back to Norwich ha-ha hahaaaa)

But it wasn’t to be, Alonso is now one of my fav players, although he’s another in the ‘same haircut since he was 10’ brigade. No way would he make it into the glossy posse.

He bossed things and as Pards went tactical on our arses…bear (or bore maybe) with me here tactical switches 2, 3, 4…it went Aliadere (4 bellion) upfront with Marlon…then 10 minutes later…aliadere right mid teddy upfront Yossi left, (Matty off) then 5 minutes later Repka off Collins upfront…Zenden goal….one minute later gabby right back collins central defence. He was a right little tinkerer was our Pards.

And in the end in meant bugger all, it wasn’t ever gonna happen and we all knew it. I mean we even had a dicanio rendition at one point, but the final amusement came with old crouchy, the one Otis wants to bum. I tell you he reminds me off a taller Mr Burns, all withered and limp. He looks like hes got marfans syndrome…those long piano playing fingers, weirdo. But he got it bad, simple yet effective was…’what the fucking hell is that’ as he walked on the pitch.

I thought to myself there is no way he could have sat where I was. I called him ‘Crouching Peter Hidden Talent’ ha ha I thought if Carla lane could hear me now.

But she couldn’t and the final whistle blew. It had been emotional but we the fans had been ok…not exceptional ala Ipswich but made a decent noise, any glimmer of a victory and I think we really would have pushed the ceiling, but alas.

Here’s my first ratings on the new campaign please don’t fight it just delight it.

Ocean Finance…..Pay nothing until 2007, chewed gum said nothing.  Made everything look last gasp but difficult to fault for either goal. 6

Tomas ….Solid unspectacular and all those dull phrases, left a gaping hole at one point…when he has subbed… can’t afford to do that at this level. 6

Anton…. Looked good again, still got a touch of the Sinclair’s going on in the old gluteus maximus region. Filled his shorts.7

Gabby….doesn’t like to expose flesh, quick and welsh with those little cute teddy bear ears…ooohhh you little beauty. Second favourite welsh person after Church oh yeh and that one who used to be in Enders but now does advert. 7

Ol Blue eyes…..well occupied today but if ever a player marauds and makes forays it’s him isn’t it? 6

Ethers ….not influential at all…maybe he’s down on his luck, all he needs is juts one lucky horse and he can pay everyone back…..maybe 5

Reo.. Good in flashes got done a couple of times by the professional sorry cheating diving lower than a snakes belly tactics of Sissokokok. But held his own in a class midfield area. 7

Carlton Banks…in no mans land all game. Casual didn’t know if he was coming or going. He couldn’t get us going forward and was basically given a masterclass in that position by Alonso. Chasing shadows band member. 5

Lil tiny Yossi… non existent, on  the fringes of the game for the whole 90mins and in densely populated midfield was muscled out on too many occasions. Hair was in great condition, very light with lots of natural bounce. 5

Marlon – Isolated and has been stated nuff times, not a back to goal player. 5

Bellion – well my first glimpse, long and languid and got possession about twice, maybe just a little generous of me but touch of the anelka’s about him. I would like to refer judgement on the player. Oh yeh and a Bit French, Billy.5

Subs well just one point…teddy must start, him and Yossi and the only bits of real attacking quality in the side. IMO Teddy if fit must play, there I’ve said it. Sue me.

Alh well folks….. Spurs 43quid can’t wait. Long ball please Alan.

What a weekend, what an absolute finger on the nose and point of a weekend. Warne denied his ton, thank you, well done, Phil Mitchell being absolutely ground to a pulp in the Sunday rags (Steve McWigon ha ha ) and of course..do do do Nigel Reo Coker.

You gotta say take a bow son, how good was that goal !?! he was just livin’ the dream, that he dreamt last night…in a dream. It really was the chocolate ice magic on top of an afternoon of heady action, the gussets were well and truly sodden.

Our second half performance was sick, we absolutely took it the bridge. Yossi was all alice band and gay abandon.  Matty, the furious forehead, was fuel injected on the left, Nigel was perpetual motion and Marlon, a soft shoe short of a shuffle at times, could have a worn an ACME rucksack as he was that much of a threat (aside….. the heightened security ummmm the ‘new’ West ham stewards…. Recruitment drive for the nearest job club, U get me,)

A nervy, tentative basically fucking shit first half  was soon forgotten as Teddy swept home a ricochet off the lumbering Todd only a minute after the restart.  And that was our moment, the confidence cursed through the players, the fans erupted and we never looked back. It was all about us and like Leslie Ash, we were back and the MRSA of the championship was banished.

Up until that point we had struggled, not due to any great play on Blackburn’s part just a total lack of belief. Dailly had already made his first schoolboy error as he ran out on to the pitch and the rest of the team purposely walked. And these nerves infected our first half’s play.

But the goal was energising. We swarmed all over Blackburn. Matty skipped past Lucas Neill with ease, and delivered it on a plate for Ted but he shinned wide from 6 yards and  then  Marlon rolled his defender but scuffed well wide. It wasn’t long before the goal arrived, Matty charged infield, fed Reo Coker, he glided past Lassu and then let fly with an absolute fucking peach, that ripped into the top corner. Well done.

And apart from a minor scare as the unkempt Dailly, allowed one of those non descript Scandies that frequent the prem to volley goalwards, we romped home. The third goal saw Ethers tap in at the far post and from other situations we could easily have had 5 or 6.

This was it, Karamu, fiesta, forever, lose yourself in wild romance.  Even afterwards, The Wakefield had made a pre season addition to the squad, as always doin its bit for the human traffic trade, a young Polish bint was employed/kidnapped (whatever…minger), with an arse to crack walnuts. It was happy days and for that night we were all Henry Winkler, well apart who Tooting who is just an embriodered C away from being our Richie and Exile who is our Mr Cunningham and oh yeh of course, Arnold who is Batters.

Blackburn were dull, but who cares. Life is good, we have a feel good factor, even our cab driver smiled as he was subtly referred to as a suicide bomber by Dormski…..hold on a minute… Dormski…subtle….nah there’s artistic licence and just plain taking the piss. The taxi driver was bawled at from 3 yards by Dormski about being a suicide bomber but luckily Dormski added the caveat ‘only joking mate’, ‘all the best’, it made all the difference and probably an unlikely friendship will emerge.

Oh my days, I refuse to let them diminish my character, ratings.

Carroll….Solid really, could we ever be without another. 6

Dailly…I wanted to say a muddy marvel after his sun Glasto spread, but nah lost and creaking should have been right back……. in the changing room ha ha. 4

Gabby…Danny Cool, relaxed ain’t the word, I’ll be your dog. Liked him I reckon he will give away the odd goal with a misplaced pass but looking good for that HOTY prediction. 7

Anton…..Another improving performance, nice introduction being up against Koochie, but did nothing wrong at all. Can’t wait to see him vs. Shearer. 7

Konchey….Nice work, loved the cross when Ethers slipped him in after the longest overlap situation in history. Promising. 7

Ethers…..nervy quiet first half, explosive second. Assist and goal, all the talk of Teddy and Yossi but Ethers is consistently our source of inspiration and goals. Personally he is the key player this season. 7

NRC…..nowhere first half, supercharged second. Looked the real deal and his game had everything. Even 2 stand out passes to Marlon first half and second. Concentrated very hard in his interview. 8

Carlton Banks…..Our most consistent performer, looks technically excellent, great in the air and strong, perfect for the holding role and still unable to talk. Although I do reckon he’d be easy to a nuts on, got that sort of bendy keeny knees. 8

Yossi….Apart from the obvious - two things - does his best to regain possession when he loses it. Second - really composed in the final third and I can see why he scored his goals for Racing Salamander. Looks like he could fulfil expectation although I doubt Dailly was overly chuffed with his defensive contribution. 7

Ted…. I thought quality, his weight of passing, the positions he takes up to receive the ball and his finish. I see no reason why he can’t score goals for us if he stays fit and so what if he’s moody and moany, I mean Paolo  never got upset….  8

Marlon……Disruptive, powerful and everything but the finish, that was his best back to goal performance for us. Matteo collapsed under pressure from him at one point Good signs. 7

Subs – The best - esp ‘I am Hans ver Ulring from Germany’. 7 for noble and 8 for Newton or No Neck Newton or Newton No Neck… NNN. Wicked An-fknee