West Ham United

Over at the Premier League all stars on Sky One not only are West Ham the best team in the competiton, they’re also loved by the crowd, adored by the commentators and in this world where Gladiators (Dermot Gallagher in an Atlasphere is the next level) meets Rollerball meets Soccer Am played out infront of an audience that has been deemed to geeky for Robot Wars..West Ham United are Finally Kings!

And on top of that they are in a final and winning!….this is what it is all about, the glory, the honour, I’ve sacrificed an episode of The Royal without so much as a second thought. This is what  BG has spent 100mil on, rock and roll baby errr what was that?….an equaliser, quickly followed by another goal with only 22secs left on the clock. Oh. Lost. Losers. Eggy out!

But this stupid manufactured game was actually more compelling than the real stuff on Saturday. The 1 nil defeat to Arsenal really was a microcosm of Planet Curbishley. The whole experience of Saturday felt a bit blunted to me, as if the volume was down, all my senses dulled a littel bit (although that could have been the result of spending 2 hours pre game with Batters sans phone..its a nightmare…you have to converse with him and everything) rather than the HD, vivid, exhilrating Imax attack that a London derby usual produces. It was so much more betamax than Imax infact.

The way we set up with a narrow midfield, Bowyer and Ljunberg never straying far from their full backs who inturn never crossed the half way line, the fact that the central mdifielders offered only sparing support to Deano meant that containment was the nature of the game.

I look back and just wish we had shown adventure, like my new best mates on ‘Meet the Natives’ I wish we tried on a pair of gloves, ate a roast potato for the first time or artificially inseminated a pig. As Napolean said ‘He who fears being conquered is sure of defeat’. I would have followed Bryan Abrams of Color Me Badd’s mantra when he wrote in ‘Girl I wanna sex you up’ (3rd track form the US billboard sensation ‘Young Gifted and Badd:The Remixes’) ‘ Don’t be shy girl come to me, open your heart and I’ll set you free’

Sometimes I think we could all live our lives with a little more Color Me Badd in it.

The sex case scored the only goal in fairly routine fashion, rising higher than Neill at the far post to direct home. Abdebayour despite having the flags on the top of the BML getting in his eyes was dangerous and Diaby the most co-ordinated un-corodinated gangleberry ever was prominent throughout.

Noble and Fabregas seemed to cancel each other out as both were subdued and other contributions from Ashton, Bowyer and Camara were peripheral. Scott Parker was at long last making his premier debut and my what a little doozer he is, he’s a cute lil’ primordial dwarf spinning around in the middle there. I think the best way I can sum him up as a player using all my indepth tactical insight is ‘he runs a bit stumpy’. But first game and all that so some  slack being cut from monksville for little dumpy head. Still he was about as useful as a Monk in Burma for his 45mins.

And that was that till halftime. I’d managed to get a ticket for this game in the East stand, in the bondholders seats and previously I’d had no real views on the tribe called Bondholder. I never really saw them as the pariah state of Upton Park as some had judged.

But the guy next to me had a lunch box, Jon West crab paste sandwiches and a was listening to game on LBC through a little Tranny….(no not Jimmy Krankie…hahahahaha) but a radio…make what you will of that but on the whole Ralph was very accomodating if a little nerdy….

2nd half was better, Gabby and Hayden replaced the injured duo of Anton and Parker and our passing was subsquently a lot crisper, slicker than the average, craigdavid all over your….boing. A few shackles seemed to have been shed , especially for Freddie and with a belated appearance from the crowd, our chances duly appeared. Ashton though headed straight at Aluminium and Freddie’s goal was disallowed for offside.

For what ever reason though we couldn’t sustain the momentum and Arsenal’s superior technical ability saw them through any moments of pressure or uncertainity we forced.

All that was left was for Green to confirm what a top player he is and in my humble opinion he is the best at the ‘rush out, stand tall, make yourself big’ save in the premier league…so quick over those 4/5 yards and stays so big for so long. Some skill that staying so big for so long. As the actress said to Pele.

So that was that bar 15mins we were never really in it and I left appreciating what had gone before but feeling a little hollow…I then left that tree alone and continued walking. To summise part of me is doffing the hat to the organisation, workrate and application on Planet Curbs but the other part of me, the sexy part, is casting admiring glances over to the south coast.

Villa next. Hiya Nigel. RIP Miss Moneypenny.

Green. An absolute credit to his parents. And apparently he’s a bit of a wow on the golf course but he sure as hell brings no handicap to our defence…did you just see what I did there. HOTY 9.

Neill. Better from the fair dinkum Aussie. Notice in his programme notes that he acknowledges that he’s shit at the moment, so that is something , though he didn’t go the complete Curtis Davies on us as its known in the business. He also tells us to lay off Carlton. Yes Lucas, whatever you say Lucas, 3 bags full Lucas. 6

Upson. I dunno, I keep thinking he is going to get better but it doesn’t look like it. He’s ok, bit slow and all that, but wins his fair share. I just thought there was a bit more to his game. 6 for the number 6

Anton - Injured, so can’t be bothered. 

Gabby - Superb, great passing, great in the air and one Pele vs Moore tackle (btw exaggerate is not in my vernacular). Gabby’s back and he’s the greatest dancer. 8

George - back to the programme and he’s gets some awful stick from ‘Nobes’ and Jimmy Walker, bad breath and a bad dresser apparently but a very good full back. Seems like he’s part of the gang and plays his best games vs the best  opposition. 7

Bow - Yeh he did alright but he’s passed it really, he’s never gonna be influencing a game like this but defended well and gave 100%. Hes just not that good anymore.5

‘Nobes’ - mentioned it before but he’s in the wrong position, for all NRC’s shit he complimented Noble well. i.e stayed out of his space. Noble is finding it hard to get into the games at the moment. Noble + attacking midfielder is the way forward and his favourite item on his IPOD is Michael Buble…he loves it apparently….hmmmm 6

Parker…nuff said already. Needs games innit. 5

Hey Hayden - Much better team perfromance when he came on, just moved the ball quicker than Parker and it gave us some momentum. Still dont think he does it quick enough but it was better, physically able to put the squeeze and Fabby and Flammy. 6

Fred. His best showing so far, I’ve got a sneaky he could play upfront for us. Good finisher and intelligent enough to work with Deano. Much more urgency to his stuff today. I’m ok with him he’ll be relieved to know. The shirtlifting imagerighting Gonner tart.7

Henri. He was a lot more predicatable than I imagined/remembered. Which is not neccesarily a bad thing did some simple stuff well with his back to goal. But i kinda thought he was a maverick of a player, a loose canon, dangerous..damn right I’m dangerous, seal dribbler, casanova, charity worker, mentor to underprivileged children, artist, poet, nomadic goat herder and throughly bloody nice bloke. But on reflection I think i got that wrong. Better than CFC. 6

Deanoooooo. Average and still lumpy. The way you can tell he is still affected (understandbly) is when he lightly jogs. Just look at his gait. Its like he’s almost on tip toes. Looks very un natural. He is so good in the air though he’s an undoubuted asset and we are twice the side with him innit, innit. 6.5. ps the blond is an obvious choice folks…..its covers the thinning don’t it? he don’t look half as bald when he’s blond. Its a Nicky Hamilton Hall banker….

Thanks, CHOW.

Meanwhile over at White Hart Lane……BWHAHAWAHAHA…lol…LOL…… not even chimp boy Gareth Bale’s first goal could disguise the fact ‘Europes most feared strike force ™’ are about as effective as a John and Olivia Walton contraceptive. In fact Gary Lineker has a better strike rate than the not so fantastic four this season….Bent Defoe Berbatov and Keane…putting the quad into quadriplegic. You have to be feelin this….

 And so with Spurs anchored in the bottom four and for about 2 hrs West Ham sitting proudly in the top 4 there was a certain Salvador Dali air to Saturdays proceedings. Add in the fact that we won 3 nil yet Rob Green was our best player, Carlton Cole was on the pitch and Exile was drinking an exported Polish beer called lecher ’twas strange day indeed. Oh no my watch has just melted….
The game started ok for us, we looked bright as a button to begin with , strong and handsome with just a touch of romance in our play . Although Julio Arca, sporting a Simba, looked the best player on the park for 20 minutes. I really do think Jimmy Collins could be the man in our side to pull off this greasy wop, elastic band look and without doubt Hack is our man to bring it to the terraces…we’ll all have one before the seasons out.
Our best moment early on was Deano having a goal ruled offside and a Collins effort from a corner, but as the expectation started to rise and the performance threatened to take off, our nuts became neutered. For no real reason it looked as if we had to sell our house on the avenue and move back into the walk.

Boro took a bit of grip on proceedings, and inexplicably in my oh so humble opinion Rochemback got into the game, a real prader willie of a player and the most un Brasilian Brasilian ever. But he got Boro ticking over and after the best move of the match so far ‘he’s here, he’s there, he’s ali-adi-ere’ spunked his money shot onto the post. It was a sitter and with the way the game was panning out this was a massive let off.. (weren’t Freddie and Alialialiaddyair s’posed to be at like jackhammers at Arsenal..ohh lovers reunited the romance continues)

Performances in the first half, apart from that first ten minutes were subdued, maybe it was international fixtures, maybe it was rustiness or most likely it was Pavarotti’s death that had affected the mindset. The black armbands a constant reminder for the players. It was a respectful touch though from the club as he was an influence and role model to many West Ham fans…Herts, Batters, Exile….RIP in Luciano.
Bellamy also had to come off injured, how typical of his career that just at the point were you think yes yes yes, Bellamy - Mon Amie. An inform, match winner who could win us a game single-handedly…oh what was that ? he’s injured….*tut**grinds teeth**claws cornea* I felt let down, not as let down as a one-to-GO passenger but still it was disappointing.

So it was up to Carlton Cole to come on…and errr step up to the plate (no shit how de rigueur is that phrase for sports coaches at the moment, McClaren, Collingwood, B Ashton, Curbs…). And with that it was halftime. Halftime was painful…I got stung for a round, Aartist and Goldtooth wallowed in the glow of my lightened wallet…infact they wallowed a little too much as the roar went round the ground.

Bowyer had netted and we’d missed it. We rejoined the euphoria of the terrace, and tried to share the joy…but it wasn’t the same, we were lonely in a sea of people, outside we masqueraded but inside our hopes had faded, later that night in a lonely room I cried the tears of a clown.
But all that bollocks was short lived. Cole rampaged through the Boro midfield and with the spatial awareness of a hammerhead shark. He could sense Luke Young’s desperado attempts to get back, he judged the defenders angles, used his enhanced peripheral vision to judge his running pace and then played the ball perfectly so that Young was helpless hapless and apparently soon to be hipless if you believe Skerrit and all Young could do was divert into his own net. Cole had delivered  a perfect cross. Honest.
This time we cheered with rather than at, we were in with the incrowd, we were at one with the rapture. My soul glowed. West Ham were 2 nil up and cruising.
But cruising ain’t all smokey robinson and the miracles, Tuncay then became prominent but fortunately for us profligate. Frailities (a lack of pace and understanding) in our central defence were being exposed and the Boro forward was presented with 2 absolute sitters. The first one he lobbed onto the cross bar and the second one brought a fantastic save from Rob Green. The game felt far from over well that’s until we scored another 2007/2008 trademark break away goal. The curbs signature dish. Ca Marche the counterattack.

Mullins to Ethers to Ashton. Quick as a flash, all on the counter. 3nil and that was effectively that. Ethers cross was superb and Ashton thankfully hasn’t left his strikers instinct on the treatment table and was there to finish from 4 yards. Full on CT payday Turbo relief for everyone. Tuncay had further chances and Green continued to be the rock that Curbs West Ham is founded upon and with Neill Upson and Collins performing more like Northern Rock it was a necessary performance from Greeno.

All that was left was for Cole to sweep horribly wide from 10 yards out , if it had gone in it would not only have flattered the team performance but also his own personal one. But hey ho who cares especially when you find out Kelly Brook is strictly come dancing this year. Life can be beautiful and a new series of the Royal. Walking on Sunshine.

3nil, 3 points, 4th place and an air of whats going on about the place. No one knows whether to be excited or whether we are merely meeting expectations, whether to like or dislike Curbs, whether to wear shorts or just accept its late September and wear jeans. We are in eerie Indiana at the moment folks and I’m not sure I like it. Massively happy with a draw next week. Still going for 15th.

Ratings

Green - Did everything and more, such good hands. The only criticism is that he shouts a lot but no one seems to listen. I think it is the Norfolk accent. Lose the accent boi and you might be a right lil rum un.Also his hair isn’t as blond as Kasper’s, could be important as the season progresses. Boodiful Bernard. 8/10

Neill - I think we should move quickly over this rating, nothing to see here at all. *supermarket music* *cough* 2/10 *more supermarket music*

Collins - Again not convincing, does somethings really really well, gets tight, good in air throws himself infront of everything. But slow, easily turned and still goes to ground too early. Seems a nice lad though. 6/10

Upson - The master of running backwards on his toes whilst pointing, bit quiet isn’t he ? Dan you glean any reason for that from his Sainsburys shopping cart ? he did ok, 7mil ok I’m not sure, but ok Well presented. 6/10

George - I quite like him. Solid as you like, ok so he’s in the Gerrard haircut brigade and he always looks like he’s defending under siege, not a massive amount of composure. But he’s one of the good guys. 6/10

Bowyer - Well if he keeps scoring he is an asset to the team, if he doesn’t score then he doesn’t offer a whole lot. Surely he will make way for Freddie sooner rather than later. But the goal was excellent, fair play to the angry little ant.7/10

Mullins - Carlton is back. This is the player we had 2 seasons ago, simple effective keeping possession and staying on is feet. The other Hayden Mullins or ‘debut Hayden’ as I call him still lurks in there. It’s a very fine line. Lets rejoice in the angel hayden who is in control at the moment and hope the… ‘yeh squeeze her tits’…’yeh fuck her brains’ isn’t seen for while. 8/10

Noble - Did ok, looked leggy and bit heavy. So much of his game is about being dynamic but wasn’t quite there. Still tidy in possession and looks like he belongs. Let Michael Johnson take all the headlines and we’ll keep Marky boy under wraps for a little bit longer. 7/10. can someone please tell me does he still live in Beckton ?

Ethers - Can’t say too much or Flash will accuse me of wanting to bum him. I think Flash is jealous. Great cross for the goal. Chinny reckon Flashy Chinny reckon…suuuuuuffferrr. But your team Flash would have Ethers quicker than a Joe C heartbeat, Keane is a long time admirer. 8/10
Bellars - off injured, throwing a sickie so he can be home with the new born next week and I can’t blame him. Parental leave for fathers is an important issue that the PFA need to address. 4/10

Ash-o - Something still a bit arthritic about him, I didn’t see him do the robot in warm up so that could be to blame but his touch is still evident as is his awareness. Encouraging though and in contrast to his goals over a year ago he seemed genuinely happy to score and celebrate with ‘the lads’. More to come but he’s on the right road. 7/10

Cole - Oh dear, rangy gangly un coordinated, misser of sitters please welcome the Paolo frickin Wanchope for the 07/08 generation. It’s a thug life Carlton. Shape up or Ship out. 5/10

Subs didn’t get a look in and I’m bored probably like you also. Bye.