West Ham United

                                                 The Religious Newspaper                                                         

European Vacation Over

So thats it then, the ‘were all going on european tour’ is over, finished….. In round one, at the first hurdle and what an utter anticlimax it was. I haven’t been this let down since I got a grifter over a raleigh burner for Xmas in 1986. Slip gear is no compensation for stunt pegs. After the FA cup final I was so looking forward to Europe, it was going to be the donkey’s knob of a competition. We were to cut a swathe through Europe as the players swashbuckled thier way through matches and we left a trail of ripped bodices, broken hearts and syphillis in our wake.

But alas no, I only actually made it as far as Bar Italia in Soho and as we know the team crashed out 4-0 on aggregate. Bollocks. Europe, pah, totally overrated. Im sure defeat was all part of the takeover or the Carrick deal. In a packed Bar Italia at kick off, which isn’t exactly an IMAX of venue to watch a game it has to be said, the atmosphere was filled with expectation and belief.

Firstly there was relief that the game was actually on but as the bar quickly packed out with Hammers and the Peroni started to flow, added to the site of the travelling fans on the big screen, you got the feeling that if we book them they will come. And the game started brightly for us. Pards had gone with a front 3 of Cole Harewood and Tevez and it was the later that burst into the Palermo box after only 5 minutes and unleashed a rasping drive that was met with an equally fine save.

Palermo settled after our fast start and just as it seemed they had taken a grip on the game we had our make or break spell. In the space of 5 minutes Harewood, Collins and Cole all drew top drawer saves from the Italian keeper. With chances at a premium in both legs up until this point, we needed desperatley to have converted, but alas no. And in true European virgins style we are then hit by the sucker punch, a speculative strike from the edge of the box that crept inside Carroll’s far post. And at that point Michelle McManus really was clearing her throat.

We had one more pivotal moment as Cole missed a sitter of a header from 5 yards out crashing off the post when really he should have scored. That would have given us a glimmer, but more dithery from Gabbidon gifted them a second and then a final strike on the break sealed our fate.  Bar Italia thinned out , the bemused staff drew breath, the state of the art till could cool down and we ordered panettone at last.

 All in all depressing shit, we weren’t that bad but lacked class and its no bad thing to be out as our league form needs serious attention,  its just, just Europe just had that a little bit of glamour about it, our next cup game is Chesterfield away…….

Abriged ratings

Top of the Class - James Collins

Acceptable behaviour - Spector, Bowyer, Cole, Marlon, Tevez

Must do better - Mascherano, Konch, Carroll

See me afterwards - Reo Coker, Gabbidon.

Other News -

So there I am flicking through the latest edition of Mens Health, trying not get any of the grease from my jumbo sausage roll on the pages and  whose 3 cheery mugs do I get smiling back at me…..Teddy Christian and and Nige.. Yes our three most recent captains in a double page Mens Health photo shoot and article. The article is entitled ‘The generation game’ and profiles how to keep in shape for footie in your 40’s 30’s and 20’s….The article is more a big up for Niall Clark, but Teddy remarks on how supple he is these days , he’s lot more flexible these days and it prolongs things for him….Miss Uk has recently echoed these sentiments.

Christian works on speed a lot. Enough said and finally Nigel starts his section off with ‘Im a natural athlete’ Modest words  although he did stop short of saying he has natural rhythm. He works a lot on his ball skills apparently, its been in real evidence this year. But made me smile to see them in there, not right really is it ? West Ham players in Mens Health, next it’ll be Dougie joining Titmarsh on ground force…De’Ath’s canteen nightmares or Brown replacing Alvin Hall..ridiculous.

Interesting spot on another blog about the interest in West Ham over in Argentina. The West ham shirt is now a must have item and as popular as Villareal and Barca shirts, Fox sports in argentina who cover the premier league have given thier chief presenter a brand new studio.  Juan Manuel Pons is becoming a cult hero. Known as the bambino he apparently likes to sing songs in tribute after an Argie abroad scores a goal…lets pray to god and allah that he gets at least one rendition out whilst they play in claret and blue.

And the news papers have also gone crazy over the transfer. The biggest paper ‘Ole’ had an entire  page scoffing at Pards substitution of Tevez vs Newcastle as he was quoted as saying ‘we needed a goal’. The Argies are watching us.

So there we go, Reading are the vistors tomorrow , you get the feeling its gonna be ugly, any kind a win is required scrappy boring dull as long as we get a win. A draw will be a downer but not the end of the world but defeat is almost unthinkable. Come on you Argies lets hear Bambino sing !!

des lynam countdown 

The Religious Newspaper

Who are those guys, where did they come from ?

Whose are those guys, where can I get one…?

Fuck me sideways with the barb of a stingray , Tevez and Mascherano are Hammers. Unbelievable. Carlitos Tevez feted by Maradona as the heir apparent to his number 10 shirt and Javier Mascherano described as a cross between Diego Simone and Fernando Redondo. Jesus tonight , where is my porridge Carol!

These two little trickers, after being linked with every superclub in the galaxy, from Real Madrid to Harchester United are actually going to be playing for West Ham. Yep in claret and blue. Tear down those curtains and make us dress Mommy we’re off to Buenos Aires!!

But as has been well documented questions are being asked and even renowned reporters who never make their excuses and leave are left flummoxed by the whole thing.

Why West Ham ? who are MSI ? How do you pronounce that Iranian blokes surname ? does he use his own supply of crude oil to dye his hair ? are West ham set for a Russian takeover ? Was the film White Chicks based on a true story ?

And this plethora of questions has led to the inevitable conspiracy theories surfacing like a party guest at the Barrymore’s. Some based on truth, some on rumour and some just plain old bollocks, but here at the Religious Newspaper, like Will Young, we aim to get to the bottom.. 

So what are these theories ? well number one in the ‘All gone a bit Maggie T’ stakes…

West Ham are to become Chelsea’s feeder club -  We all know the answer to this one. Never, as long as night follows day and Sunny D is the number one healthy choice for kids, this will never happen. Roman wants to use West Ham as nothing more than a glorified parking lot..no chance, nada and he’ss as welcome an invite to the Swindon Town backroom staff Xmas do. Zero Fray Bentos pies for this one.

MSI/Kia Jajajoorbchain and a load of vodka swilling Oligarch’s will buy West Ham. Move them to Olympic stadium in Moscow and make us all dance like Mikhail Baryshnikov. Possible. But who really cares, there’s been no direct quotes and they will be bring money like we have never seen before, freshly laundered and ready to blow on handsome foreign superstars…Cool.  And I love wearing tights. 4 Fray Bentos Pies

The Falklands - Revenge. After first sending Maggie T mad with a spiked tin of corn beef the Argentinean Illuminati are on to us. After the secret mission code name ‘Tarrico’ failed so miserably , A more elaborate masterplan has been hatched to crack us from the inside out. Subtle changes have already been noted. Terry’s pride and joy, his toy boat , has been renamed the belgrano, the latest lunch special in the Ironworks is the South Sandwich and Tevez has already stated his desire to visit Sheffield (not to mention wishing to stick his own sea king up Prince Andrews invincibles). So You never know, hell hath no fury like a beef that is corned. The Argies are coming. err 1 fray bentos

So in the end I haven’t got a clue and I’ve just wasted 10minutes of my life. I say lets revel in the glamour of it all and worry about the long term behind the scenes stuff at a later date. Tevez is best mates with Diego Maradona and Sky Sports news is claiming Mascherano turned down Ferguson for us. Its fantasy land and Tevez is our Mayor!!! Steed who ??????????

Other News…..

But amid the euphoria, there is probably one person who’s not so hot on the Argies arrival. Poor old Hayden Mullins, he unfortunately looks set to be the fall guy in all this. On arrival at the club he was shoved from pillar to post , taking up more uncomfortable positions than Ian Huntley on his first night inside. All to the massive detriment of his game, but then a settled run in his favoured postion saw him flourish into a more than competent premiership central midfielder… and his reward…

Poor old Carlton.

Rob Green has also caused a bit of a stir on his arrival, yet to play a game and he’s already made a red top for a non footballing reason. A lap dancer from the Devils Advocate club in Norwich has claimed that although Rob was  a great lover was he was also a love rat and a good for nothing low down cheat. Considering Green is one of the most sensible and err whats the opposite of Showbiz….dull people you can meet, it has to be concluded that Teddy’s been rubbing off in training, (not literally mind ) Welcome to the Club Rob.

Soccer Am - Did you see the soccerrette from last week, I’ve got no other comment apart from that she comes from America, she supports West Ham and she’s cute as a button.

CHOW.  

With all the sophistication of a night on the town with Kieran Dyer (with just a touch less exposure) and the charm of a Boris Johnson editorial the RN this week visits the Stadio Olympico and of course check out the poor mans Richard Garcia….. Paolo Di Canio.

 First of all Santini…..fuck me…..’Warren’ Santini……….have you seen the interviews………..if ever a bloke was missing his baseball …..So be warned Calum when you return do not, at any costs, touch his ears….….special manager……special club

And good not to see Melville get ripped to pieces by Rooney and Co, apparently he broke down in the warm up…….broke down ??? ….well that’s what happens  to 28 thousand fans on Saturday when your name is read out on the team sheet. Useless cunt.

Lazio 0 Chievo 1

As we wandered across the Olympic bridge, admiring the river Tiber, then along the tree lined walkway, passing Mussolini and imposing statues of previous great Olympians, ( all the statues had small cocks mind….and those wavy pubes……I then wondered if all italians were like this down below…the thought disturbed me yet also comforted ) up to the 20ft obelisk at the front of the stadium, I just thought give or take the odd sari seller, one or two pissed soaked, white lightening supping, tramps (yeh…basically the Olas Vendors) there wasn’t that much difference between Green St and here…nah Upton Park was holding up well……. Until that is I saw a replica shirt that fitted…my those Italians are so stylish……………I’m forever hearing that but bollocks are they!!……………come on, for example how stylish can you look when your there stood up, dunghampers round the ankles, trying to crimp one off  over one of those European, stand up, lay and display toilets. I did not enjoy my Olympic dump experience. Not a pretty site. It was like being in the Prince of Wales all over again…just make sure readers that you go before you go.

However, we digress..Paolo..the game….the Curva Nord. Well Paolo started at the expense of Inzaghi and for 45mins he was superb, Paolo at his best, the first touch was there, the gesticulating, and the insistence on taking every freekick, throw in, corner and goal kick, which is great when he’s playing well. (He even won a header).

 However, as the game wore on he tired badly and after about an hour looked totally fucked and dropped deeper and deeper into midfield. He was a spent force, unable to exert influence on the game, which in turn meant he got more and more frustrated which was another wholly familiar Paolo  scenario. Paolo is still their darling though; the name on the back of everyone’s shirt, but due to the financial shit that Lazio are in Paolo is about the only idol they have left….well him and Sereni the ex Ipswich keeper…Forza Lazio Forza!

Although the similarities of Rome and East London are few and far between, for a start the knicker bacon on view was tremendous, you’ll all be pleased to hear that a small piece of Upton Park is alive in the Curva Nord. La Donne e Mobile has made its way into the Ultras repertoire. Bravisimo. Even the Neo Nazi’s a couple of blocks down joined in……. Irriducibili…bunch of lardida signing big girls blouses I reckon……..Centenary Upper…. no problem.

So Lazio lost and as the stadium emptied, a scattering of claret and blue shirts could be seen amongst the sea of disappointed sky blue. Paolo lives on although you sense the final chapter is close to its conclusion.

On the Pitch.

Marc Bircham – About as popular as an Iraqi terrorist in Liverpool, what a fucking knob. If Ricardo Fuller was the cock of the year last year Marc Babycham has staked an early claim. But boy is he one crazzzy mutha fucker with that haircut, it’s like a varicosed skunk on his head…the cunt….I really hope Lomas has a special Upton park welcome for him in a couple of weeks. Knew there would be a use for Lomas this season.

Also from Loftus Road, with the game being a non event..those poor poor fat birds, now I’m an FA (fat admirer) as much as the next man but those two bouncy castles…. masquerading as QPR fans…. masquerading as women. For those not in attendance two pigs in knickers got untold abuse from West Hams finest, so much so that there fellow QPR fans joined in….several ‘who ate all the pies later’…….. The go lightly’s have to move seats…broken women. I laughed but felt guilty….. Cruel really, I mean maybe they had a gland problem, didn’t think of that did we…… Sometimes we all need a moment to reflect.

As grandma used to say, as we wiped the mashed banana from her chin, you have to have the lows in life to appreciate highs, so QPR’s low was met with a back heeled, Teddy (west ham legend), volleyed, high against Stoke. Pity he injured himself doin it though (Millwall scummer…). BTW hats off or should it be hoods back and fake caps doffed to the boyz in the CL, admittedly your not likely to see many of them at a pro foxing hunt demo, but what little atmosphere there is down at UP these days is generated by them and they even got a bit lively with the Stoke massif. Mo’ power to the Centenary Lower.

Great week in store, the Kent van dwellers will probably out Chav us but that has gotta be about the only concern for that one and then onto Wednesday. On the pitch as long as Davo plays we’ll be alright and off the pitch it looks like being a proper day out……on the Kings Rd with champagne, caviar and those frightful Chelsea tractors. Bring it on.

Snippets  

Watch out…so I’m told….. Barry’s comin to getcha. No diggity, that’s  Barry fucking Hayles, yep the forward with all the control of Michael J Fox. Scared Shitless I can tell you…..(bollocks, I never was the cleverest; he’s a dead cert to notch against now..Fuck it…any space on that Shrimp trawler Buba?)

RN is going for Martin Allen as next West Ham manager. It’s a possibility and he comes across as a reasonably intelligent bloke, (next to Warren Santini he looks like fucking Mensa) but Pards was the man who brought him back into football at Reading, at the time he was errrrr….sweeping leaves and trimming herbaceous borders for £10 an hour…as you do….as an ex pro. Ohhh the irony if he’s the man to replace Pardew.

Defoe not scored since that England game…shame..Whereas Mutu has done nothing but score since entering the English game.

Finally, Jeff Brazier wins The Farm but in what should be the highlight of any z-list celebs career it will be overshadowed by his to return home to the threat that is Lee Hendrie to his marriage to Jade. Wow…. Hendrie vs. Brazier, a real heavyweight contest that one..C5 you have your next ratings winner.

Until next time when Tomas Repka’s shows how harassment can be fun.