On one glorious October Saturday the fixture list  had been set so that in one afternoon sport could at last come home. Football, Cricket and Rugby at the top of a nations agenda . Personally I had awoken Moody, a restless nights sleep had been had and I was nervous as the cricketers took to the field in Sri Lanka.. But as Sidebottom took the new ball and continued his excellent form I started to feel OKay. The knot of anticipation was now a touch Lewse(y) as real match action had begun.

England were bowling well, and restricted Sri Lanka 211. I was pleased and Shaw we would win from that position, so with excitement growing it was over to Wembley. It was the footballers turn to take centre stage.

For the opening minutes it was  even Stevens but it didn’t take long for England to break the dead lock. Rooney and Owen leading the attack hinted at the great partnerships, Shearer and Sheringham,  Cole and Yorke or even Batman and Robin.Son of Ian Wright ,Shaun ,scored the first goal and from then it was plain sailing.

England Flooded forwarded and scored 2 more goals and to be honest if England had a more accurate Chuter they could have won  by more. Euro 2008 Qualification now looks assured for McClaren and to think only 3 weeks ago he was threatened with the Sack(ey).

So back to Colombo to see the cricketers cruise to victory, but to my dismay England had collapsed and had been defeated the only highlight being a shot from Colly that he flicked of his hip (to) kiss the boundary ropes. I was mildly annoyed. I kicked the Catt. England will need to play better vs the Aussies to win the urn of Ash.Ton or 6 will not go amiss.

All focus was now on the rugby, as the players lined up for the national anthem, the faces of the warriors showed deep pride…with cuts, bruises, misplaced noses and deformed ears some resembled a Picasso painting that would not look out of place hanging at the Tait.

England kicked off and before you had chance to catch breath, Traille did not realise there was no time to dilly dally and Josh Lewsey pounced to score the first try. It was gifted to him and England thought all their Xmas New Years and Easters had been rolled into one.

The game to and fro-d. Kicks were missed by both sides but France had edged ahead at halftime 5-6. Tackling was fierce and England’s golden flyhalf hit the French talisman Chabal so hard it looked like he had stunned by a Regan(ray gun ok ok ok cut me some slack).

In the end it came down to one man…Johnny Wilkinson was the difference and when it really mattered he struck the pen and drop goal that took us to the ultimate Vickery.(say it with a chinese accent) It had been a great day of sport and all that was left was for me to bask in the afterglow of success with just one or two glasses of Sheri.

Sport is coming home. Swing low Sweet Chariots.

Apologies to scrumhalves but if anyone can get Gommershall in I’ll cut my arm off with a rusty pen knife

And on top of that they are in a final and winning!….this is what it is all about, the glory, the honour, I’ve sacrificed an episode of The Royal without so much as a second thought. This is what  BG has spent 100mil on, rock and roll baby errr what was that?….an equaliser, quickly followed by another goal with only 22secs left on the clock. Oh. Lost. Losers. Eggy out!

But this stupid manufactured game was actually more compelling than the real stuff on Saturday. The 1 nil defeat to Arsenal really was a microcosm of Planet Curbishley. The whole experience of Saturday felt a bit blunted to me, as if the volume was down, all my senses dulled a littel bit (although that could have been the result of spending 2 hours pre game with Batters sans phone..its a nightmare…you have to converse with him and everything) rather than the HD, vivid, exhilrating Imax attack that a London derby usual produces. It was so much more betamax than Imax infact.

The way we set up with a narrow midfield, Bowyer and Ljunberg never straying far from their full backs who inturn never crossed the half way line, the fact that the central mdifielders offered only sparing support to Deano meant that containment was the nature of the game.

I look back and just wish we had shown adventure, like my new best mates on ‘Meet the Natives’ I wish we tried on a pair of gloves, ate a roast potato for the first time or artificially inseminated a pig. As Napolean said ‘He who fears being conquered is sure of defeat’. I would have followed Bryan Abrams of Color Me Badd’s mantra when he wrote in ‘Girl I wanna sex you up’ (3rd track form the US billboard sensation ‘Young Gifted and Badd:The Remixes’) ‘ Don’t be shy girl come to me, open your heart and I’ll set you free’

Sometimes I think we could all live our lives with a little more Color Me Badd in it.

The sex case scored the only goal in fairly routine fashion, rising higher than Neill at the far post to direct home. Abdebayour despite having the flags on the top of the BML getting in his eyes was dangerous and Diaby the most co-ordinated un-corodinated gangleberry ever was prominent throughout.

Noble and Fabregas seemed to cancel each other out as both were subdued and other contributions from Ashton, Bowyer and Camara were peripheral. Scott Parker was at long last making his premier debut and my what a little doozer he is, he’s a cute lil’ primordial dwarf spinning around in the middle there. I think the best way I can sum him up as a player using all my indepth tactical insight is ‘he runs a bit stumpy’. But first game and all that so some  slack being cut from monksville for little dumpy head. Still he was about as useful as a Monk in Burma for his 45mins.

And that was that till halftime. I’d managed to get a ticket for this game in the East stand, in the bondholders seats and previously I’d had no real views on the tribe called Bondholder. I never really saw them as the pariah state of Upton Park as some had judged.

But the guy next to me had a lunch box, Jon West crab paste sandwiches and a was listening to game on LBC through a little Tranny….(no not Jimmy Krankie…hahahahaha) but a radio…make what you will of that but on the whole Ralph was very accomodating if a little nerdy….

2nd half was better, Gabby and Hayden replaced the injured duo of Anton and Parker and our passing was subsquently a lot crisper, slicker than the average, craigdavid all over your….boing. A few shackles seemed to have been shed , especially for Freddie and with a belated appearance from the crowd, our chances duly appeared. Ashton though headed straight at Aluminium and Freddie’s goal was disallowed for offside.

For what ever reason though we couldn’t sustain the momentum and Arsenal’s superior technical ability saw them through any moments of pressure or uncertainity we forced.

All that was left was for Green to confirm what a top player he is and in my humble opinion he is the best at the ‘rush out, stand tall, make yourself big’ save in the premier league…so quick over those 4/5 yards and stays so big for so long. Some skill that staying so big for so long. As the actress said to Pele.

So that was that bar 15mins we were never really in it and I left appreciating what had gone before but feeling a little hollow…I then left that tree alone and continued walking. To summise part of me is doffing the hat to the organisation, workrate and application on Planet Curbs but the other part of me, the sexy part, is casting admiring glances over to the south coast.

Villa next. Hiya Nigel. RIP Miss Moneypenny.

Green. An absolute credit to his parents. And apparently he’s a bit of a wow on the golf course but he sure as hell brings no handicap to our defence…did you just see what I did there. HOTY 9.

Neill. Better from the fair dinkum Aussie. Notice in his programme notes that he acknowledges that he’s shit at the moment, so that is something , though he didn’t go the complete Curtis Davies on us as its known in the business. He also tells us to lay off Carlton. Yes Lucas, whatever you say Lucas, 3 bags full Lucas. 6

Upson. I dunno, I keep thinking he is going to get better but it doesn’t look like it. He’s ok, bit slow and all that, but wins his fair share. I just thought there was a bit more to his game. 6 for the number 6

Anton - Injured, so can’t be bothered. 

Gabby - Superb, great passing, great in the air and one Pele vs Moore tackle (btw exaggerate is not in my vernacular). Gabby’s back and he’s the greatest dancer. 8

George - back to the programme and he’s gets some awful stick from ‘Nobes’ and Jimmy Walker, bad breath and a bad dresser apparently but a very good full back. Seems like he’s part of the gang and plays his best games vs the best  opposition. 7

Bow - Yeh he did alright but he’s passed it really, he’s never gonna be influencing a game like this but defended well and gave 100%. Hes just not that good anymore.5

‘Nobes’ - mentioned it before but he’s in the wrong position, for all NRC’s shit he complimented Noble well. i.e stayed out of his space. Noble is finding it hard to get into the games at the moment. Noble + attacking midfielder is the way forward and his favourite item on his IPOD is Michael Buble…he loves it apparently….hmmmm 6

Parker…nuff said already. Needs games innit. 5

Hey Hayden - Much better team perfromance when he came on, just moved the ball quicker than Parker and it gave us some momentum. Still dont think he does it quick enough but it was better, physically able to put the squeeze and Fabby and Flammy. 6

Fred. His best showing so far, I’ve got a sneaky he could play upfront for us. Good finisher and intelligent enough to work with Deano. Much more urgency to his stuff today. I’m ok with him he’ll be relieved to know. The shirtlifting imagerighting Gonner tart.7

Henri. He was a lot more predicatable than I imagined/remembered. Which is not neccesarily a bad thing did some simple stuff well with his back to goal. But i kinda thought he was a maverick of a player, a loose canon, dangerous..damn right I’m dangerous, seal dribbler, casanova, charity worker, mentor to underprivileged children, artist, poet, nomadic goat herder and throughly bloody nice bloke. But on reflection I think i got that wrong. Better than CFC. 6

Deanoooooo. Average and still lumpy. The way you can tell he is still affected (understandbly) is when he lightly jogs. Just look at his gait. Its like he’s almost on tip toes. Looks very un natural. He is so good in the air though he’s an undoubuted asset and we are twice the side with him innit, innit. 6.5. ps the blond is an obvious choice folks…..its covers the thinning don’t it? he don’t look half as bald when he’s blond. Its a Nicky Hamilton Hall banker….

Thanks, CHOW.

 And so with Spurs anchored in the bottom four and for about 2 hrs West Ham sitting proudly in the top 4 there was a certain Salvador Dali air to Saturdays proceedings. Add in the fact that we won 3 nil yet Rob Green was our best player, Carlton Cole was on the pitch and Exile was drinking an exported Polish beer called lecher ’twas strange day indeed. Oh no my watch has just melted….
The game started ok for us, we looked bright as a button to begin with , strong and handsome with just a touch of romance in our play . Although Julio Arca, sporting a Simba, looked the best player on the park for 20 minutes. I really do think Jimmy Collins could be the man in our side to pull off this greasy wop, elastic band look and without doubt Hack is our man to bring it to the terraces…we’ll all have one before the seasons out.
Our best moment early on was Deano having a goal ruled offside and a Collins effort from a corner, but as the expectation started to rise and the performance threatened to take off, our nuts became neutered. For no real reason it looked as if we had to sell our house on the avenue and move back into the walk.

Boro took a bit of grip on proceedings, and inexplicably in my oh so humble opinion Rochemback got into the game, a real prader willie of a player and the most un Brasilian Brasilian ever. But he got Boro ticking over and after the best move of the match so far ‘he’s here, he’s there, he’s ali-adi-ere’ spunked his money shot onto the post. It was a sitter and with the way the game was panning out this was a massive let off.. (weren’t Freddie and Alialialiaddyair s’posed to be at like jackhammers at Arsenal..ohh lovers reunited the romance continues)

Performances in the first half, apart from that first ten minutes were subdued, maybe it was international fixtures, maybe it was rustiness or most likely it was Pavarotti’s death that had affected the mindset. The black armbands a constant reminder for the players. It was a respectful touch though from the club as he was an influence and role model to many West Ham fans…Herts, Batters, Exile….RIP in Luciano.
Bellamy also had to come off injured, how typical of his career that just at the point were you think yes yes yes, Bellamy - Mon Amie. An inform, match winner who could win us a game single-handedly…oh what was that ? he’s injured….*tut**grinds teeth**claws cornea* I felt let down, not as let down as a one-to-GO passenger but still it was disappointing.

So it was up to Carlton Cole to come on…and errr step up to the plate (no shit how de rigueur is that phrase for sports coaches at the moment, McClaren, Collingwood, B Ashton, Curbs…). And with that it was halftime. Halftime was painful…I got stung for a round, Aartist and Goldtooth wallowed in the glow of my lightened wallet…infact they wallowed a little too much as the roar went round the ground.

Bowyer had netted and we’d missed it. We rejoined the euphoria of the terrace, and tried to share the joy…but it wasn’t the same, we were lonely in a sea of people, outside we masqueraded but inside our hopes had faded, later that night in a lonely room I cried the tears of a clown.
But all that bollocks was short lived. Cole rampaged through the Boro midfield and with the spatial awareness of a hammerhead shark. He could sense Luke Young’s desperado attempts to get back, he judged the defenders angles, used his enhanced peripheral vision to judge his running pace and then played the ball perfectly so that Young was helpless hapless and apparently soon to be hipless if you believe Skerrit and all Young could do was divert into his own net. Cole had delivered  a perfect cross. Honest.
This time we cheered with rather than at, we were in with the incrowd, we were at one with the rapture. My soul glowed. West Ham were 2 nil up and cruising.
But cruising ain’t all smokey robinson and the miracles, Tuncay then became prominent but fortunately for us profligate. Frailities (a lack of pace and understanding) in our central defence were being exposed and the Boro forward was presented with 2 absolute sitters. The first one he lobbed onto the cross bar and the second one brought a fantastic save from Rob Green. The game felt far from over well that’s until we scored another 2007/2008 trademark break away goal. The curbs signature dish. Ca Marche the counterattack.

Mullins to Ethers to Ashton. Quick as a flash, all on the counter. 3nil and that was effectively that. Ethers cross was superb and Ashton thankfully hasn’t left his strikers instinct on the treatment table and was there to finish from 4 yards. Full on CT payday Turbo relief for everyone. Tuncay had further chances and Green continued to be the rock that Curbs West Ham is founded upon and with Neill Upson and Collins performing more like Northern Rock it was a necessary performance from Greeno.

All that was left was for Cole to sweep horribly wide from 10 yards out , if it had gone in it would not only have flattered the team performance but also his own personal one. But hey ho who cares especially when you find out Kelly Brook is strictly come dancing this year. Life can be beautiful and a new series of the Royal. Walking on Sunshine.

3nil, 3 points, 4th place and an air of whats going on about the place. No one knows whether to be excited or whether we are merely meeting expectations, whether to like or dislike Curbs, whether to wear shorts or just accept its late September and wear jeans. We are in eerie Indiana at the moment folks and I’m not sure I like it. Massively happy with a draw next week. Still going for 15th.

Ratings

Green - Did everything and more, such good hands. The only criticism is that he shouts a lot but no one seems to listen. I think it is the Norfolk accent. Lose the accent boi and you might be a right lil rum un.Also his hair isn’t as blond as Kasper’s, could be important as the season progresses. Boodiful Bernard. 8/10

Neill - I think we should move quickly over this rating, nothing to see here at all. *supermarket music* *cough* 2/10 *more supermarket music*

Collins - Again not convincing, does somethings really really well, gets tight, good in air throws himself infront of everything. But slow, easily turned and still goes to ground too early. Seems a nice lad though. 6/10

Upson - The master of running backwards on his toes whilst pointing, bit quiet isn’t he ? Dan you glean any reason for that from his Sainsburys shopping cart ? he did ok, 7mil ok I’m not sure, but ok Well presented. 6/10

George - I quite like him. Solid as you like, ok so he’s in the Gerrard haircut brigade and he always looks like he’s defending under siege, not a massive amount of composure. But he’s one of the good guys. 6/10

Bowyer - Well if he keeps scoring he is an asset to the team, if he doesn’t score then he doesn’t offer a whole lot. Surely he will make way for Freddie sooner rather than later. But the goal was excellent, fair play to the angry little ant.7/10

Mullins - Carlton is back. This is the player we had 2 seasons ago, simple effective keeping possession and staying on is feet. The other Hayden Mullins or ‘debut Hayden’ as I call him still lurks in there. It’s a very fine line. Lets rejoice in the angel hayden who is in control at the moment and hope the… ‘yeh squeeze her tits’…’yeh fuck her brains’ isn’t seen for while. 8/10

Noble - Did ok, looked leggy and bit heavy. So much of his game is about being dynamic but wasn’t quite there. Still tidy in possession and looks like he belongs. Let Michael Johnson take all the headlines and we’ll keep Marky boy under wraps for a little bit longer. 7/10. can someone please tell me does he still live in Beckton ?

Ethers - Can’t say too much or Flash will accuse me of wanting to bum him. I think Flash is jealous. Great cross for the goal. Chinny reckon Flashy Chinny reckon…suuuuuuffferrr. But your team Flash would have Ethers quicker than a Joe C heartbeat, Keane is a long time admirer. 8/10
Bellars - off injured, throwing a sickie so he can be home with the new born next week and I can’t blame him. Parental leave for fathers is an important issue that the PFA need to address. 4/10

Ash-o - Something still a bit arthritic about him, I didn’t see him do the robot in warm up so that could be to blame but his touch is still evident as is his awareness. Encouraging though and in contrast to his goals over a year ago he seemed genuinely happy to score and celebrate with ‘the lads’. More to come but he’s on the right road. 7/10

Cole - Oh dear, rangy gangly un coordinated, misser of sitters please welcome the Paolo frickin Wanchope for the 07/08 generation. It’s a thug life Carlton. Shape up or Ship out. 5/10

Subs didn’t get a look in and I’m bored probably like you also. Bye.

I thought of how little Yossi Benayoun danced his way through the Fulham midfield with carefree abandon like a little elf with a magical piccolo, I thought of how I just had to shout ‘come on Nigel’ when the ball was in central midfield, I thought of angry Luis competing yet cheating and with my Bernard Matthews turkey roll for lunch everything was gonna be alright…I just knew it.

But yesterday changed all that, any kind of optimism, hope or faith was crushed, I left Upton Park a broken man. I fear for us, with our confidence as brittle as a wanker’s hankie we could well roll over like a national express coach on its way back from Aberdeen over the rest of the season.

I suppose this utter and total deflation of expectation is best surmised by Lucas Neill. It was chapter 4 page 26 from the Alan Curbishley manual of endearment.. An Aussie.. who used to play for Millwall…. on shit loads of cash….. gets seriously injured on debut. I already feel a special place in my heart for Lucas….

It was just a horrible afternoon, ok so it’s the cup, concentrate on the league etc etc. But our team selection, maybe it was out of necessity, was scary. It was midtable championship. Have we ever fielded such a make shift back four…. A less creative midfield, and such a shot shy strikeforce.

We’ve made our signings, just about shown our hand and not one of them you can see having the verve energy or ability to grab us by the scruff of the neck and get us out of it, like a lioness with her endangered cubs. Where is our  Bagheera to look after the man cubs ?Where’s our tiger on the games field ? no Les Ferdinand, no Rufus Brevett, No Bilic, No Hartson. Players that came in and immediately lifted all around them, hit the ground running. Fuck its depressing. Were going down.

I ask you already, Shaun Newton right midfield ??, ok he can’t help the fact he’s without neck and forgets to take the hanger out of his shirt when he plays, but that has to be the worst 45minutes I have ever seen from a West Ham player. Certain Irony that the Newton is the SI unit for force, cos there wasn’t a hell of lot of force on view in that performance let me tell you sonny jim… actually when searching for famous Newton’s, Shaun ranks quite highly, behind Isaac, Helmut, Wayne (I like the look him by the way) and Thandie but I suppose Shaun being the 5th most famous Newton is about as relevant as Jade thinking she’s the 25th most influential women in the world.

But trust me for those that didn’t attend he was horrific. From the magic of Yossi and his piccolo masterclass to this in 2 weeks. All I can do to make it better is post a picture of Thandie Newton.

Or if that doesn’t help then check out  Vinegar..natures secret weapon, maybe that’s whats missing from Upton Park..not enough vinegar.

The game in a low quality kinda way was relatively entertaining, especially if it had come without the backdrop of our current plight. The first half saw chances at both ends. Zamora hit the bar with a header in the first minute, Foster saved from Newton when put clean through and Cole curled inches wide from 20 yards out, and at the other end they had a goal disallowed and of course scored. Carroll, with more flaps than the Razzle Xmas special, was wholly at fault for the goal. Droppable is all I can muster.

Our makeshift defence just about held up to fearsome threat of Henderson. Spector and Dailly scuffed and scrambled most of the long balls to safety, but never comfortably and never in a way that would allows us to retain possession. If Watford’s game plan was all about Henderson, our game plan seemed it was more about Henson, Jim.

Reo Coker and Quashie like a couple of his doozers working away in midfield, Big Bird Carlton Cole upfront and Merv and Curbs, Statler and Waldorf. Wankers

“Come on Nigel, chase your cares away, troubles for another day..” 

“So whaddya reckon Merv…should I get back to the spectacles”

The second half was pretty much one way traffic, Zamora Newton and Boa Morte all missed golden opportunities, a couple scrambled off the line but we never looked like having the quality to score.. Quashie had took it upon himself to become our Liam Brady taking the ball of the centre backs, dictating the tempo, spraying effortless cross fields balls…well he tried but it was a bit more Karen Brady if the truth be told. But its not as if Mark Noble likes to play that role…or Javie Masch….oh no Quashie’s our man.

Curbs tried subs, but Teddy was lost, maybe his heart bleeds for Danielle, god knows he had to dump her but love is cruel, yes it is a mans world but it don’t mean nothing…

Oh Jesus where do we go from here…do you ever yearn for change…

Ratings

Carroll. – Calamitous Carroll, Roy of the Ricketts, one for Stu and all the grolsch bottle tops on your loafers wearers out there..Drop the Roy….quickly 3

McCartney – I thought he did ok, a bit one paced but I’ll give him a pat on the back. Well done Linda. 7

Ohohoh he comes from  America… (to the tune of Razor light rock on). I really wish he would speak to Ken Barlow and get himself a decent conditioner on his hair. He looks so uncouth at times, so unkempt, nothing a proper wash and blow dry wouldn’t sort out. And as the old adage goes a tidy haircut gives a tidy mind. A tidy mind is a tidy performance. Struggled but gamely. 6

Dailly – Struggled…but gamely. He did seem to carry Fuck yeh Jonathan at times , not as much as Ball carried Cannon for all those years but overall did ok whole hearted committed but quality just ok. 6

Neill – Does he look overweight ?? I reckon he went nuts on Australia day ate to many Anzac biscuits with vegemite got fat and then got injured. Was alright for his 15minutes till injury. 4

Luis. What a shocker from him. Looks like he’s moody punk and I’m not sure I like him. We need to keep Ethers as a reserve cos if Luis starts to serve up that kinda shite we need a viable alternative. He had a John Reid of an afternoon. 2

Nigel Reo Coker. By no means the worst, he only gave the ball away once which is an improvement and was involved in all our better moments. Suffered by the substitutions as we *cough* *ahem* went for it so he was shoved out on the right. I don’t think he’s playing that badly at the moment he does need his midfield partner to also be firing. But Nigel did ok…no doubt it won’t be good enough for Bada but I’ve given up on his unattainable standards he sets. No one will ever be good enough for Bada. 6

Kama Quashie – Decidedly average, he’s kinda almost good but not quite and he doesn’t do anything really well, just a whole bunch of things ok. Makes a few passes, makes a few tackles has a couple of shots but nothing outstanding. Bit like me in school sports jack of all trades master of none, if he could up it a notch and do everything that split second quicker he’d be alright. 5

Newton – Cock .0

Carlton Cole – Our best player, I’m warming to him and you can see him getting visibly fitter with each game. He’s not a massive goal threat but puts himself on the line and that’s not in Shaun Newton type way, He was my plus point. 7

Zamora – I just don’t get it, surely we have to start with teddy and then as the game gets stretched Bobby with that bit of pace comes on with 20 minutes left. Teddy of course is never gonna adjust to the pace of the game in the final 10 minutes and if he is gonna be involved at all he has to start. Zamora’s faults are well documented but it’s not his fault he’s starting, we have to direct interrogating eyes  at Curbs for that one.

Subs – no impact, apart from Pantsill, who looks totally and utterly bewildered by the whole experience. I wonder what his views on the gays adopting kids really are ?
CHOW

So just picture the scene, It’s New Years Day and Hangovers rule. Were stuck in this lifeless stadium known as the Madjeski surrounded by blue and white replica shirts and we’ve had to endure Tom Harks 4 times in the first 45 mins. We’re walking through the valley of the shadow of death and not only that its fucking raining.

This was pain, the mother of all chinese burns pain, where did we go from here………but then like a bolt from blue, like Jacko’s moonwalk at Motown 25, like meeting Skerrit sober we were treated to manna from heaven.

Out stepped on to the pitch the announcer and in his best Berkshire WWF drawl.’Isss Annnyyybody Huuuunnnngrrrrryyyyyy’ (apologies if you’ve already seen this stunt but for me it was all virgin snow so let me regale.)

From my head between my hands , I turned to Supergrass, Supergrass turned to me…we said ‘Dad can’t it really be?’

Well next thing we know the local dominoes pizza delivery guy walks onto the pitch and he’s only gone and got 5 mighty meaty’s in his ’stay hot’ bag.

We then turn our attention to the big screen ‘Whoooooo’s lucky stand is it going to be tooooodddaaaay’ the scoreboard spins…tension rises….’Ittttssssss THE EAST STAND’ cue wild applause, celebrations, high fives  low fives, fives up above fives down below…fives that are just waaay too slow.

‘buuuuttt which lucky block’ All eyes back to the big screen…. A through to Y - flashing past our eyes…..’BLOOOOOOOCCCKKK CCCccccccc’ Now you should have seen Block C, you ain’t seen a party until you see a block c, east stand, Madjeski, mighty meaty party.

Then we get down to the rows and then down to 5 seats and by this point everyone else is bored and having polite chit chat or maybe even bemoaning the fact that ‘its never me, I never win anything like that’ ’How come its always C block’ ‘Coppell needs to sort it out’ or ‘I’ve just found a moon rock up my nose’ but nonetheless a winner is selected.

Then in real Treasure Hunt style, the Pizza boy legs it across the pitch with his mighty meaty’s followed by a roving cameraman and he to clamber his way into the stand to deliver the pizza. Its gold I tell ya….pure gold. We were cracking up, not literally, well very slightly the wind was just the other side of harsh.  It came as little surprise when we saw Batters accepting his prize on the big screen. He didn’t leave a tip. That’s half time entertainment. Period.

With my mood lightened a little the second half was upon us and from pretty much nowhere the fans took centre stage. ‘We are west hams claret and blue army’ went for a good 20mins and everyone joined in bar none. They scored again but we didnt’ stop and then at 5 nil down we broke into bubbles and the real humour began. We got a corner and cheered like we scored, as we do, but then after being taunted (loosest sense of the word) with the Easy business we then gave them the easy business and they were flummoxed.

They then scored and cheered so we cheered, they then did the Tom Harks, so we did aswell. it was like when you copy exactly what someone is saying when your about ten. They shut right up. We had a massive hokey cokey, I even did the turn around, that is how honky tonk it was folks. Twist and shout was present and all the usual repertoire.

The jovial atmosphere did last though until the final 5 minutes , and it was after Zamora had flicked the bar with a sitter of a chance that things turned nasty and all the ‘not fit to wear the shirt’ chants vomited from the terraces and rightly so. 

When it comes to match and player analysis everyone played with a cuntish attitude. Cuntitude in fact. London apparently had is biggest ever sickie on Tuesday, well 11 of them decided to do it a day earlier and the only certainty these players can have is that they will definitely be able to put the cunt in scunthorpe when we play then next season.

From Curbs having his ‘organise quickly concentrate’ moment as the press picked up on ‘Get on the bus with a result’(infact I may now call him Blakey) to Marlon making a total dick of himself by telling us to liven up at the start, clenching his fists and bellowing ’come on’ to then be totally out played by Sonko, to Reo having Anton and Gabbidon almost by the neck telling them to fucking wake up, to Bowyers busted shoulder, and Yossi’s refusal to run more than 2 yards. Just a bunch of doughnut punchers

                                  .

Even that weird little gypo Hunt scored. Tiny little legs, don’t seem to be able to stretch them out properly when sprinting, no doubt his family are carney folk. Freako. Everything about the day stunk of pickled eggs.

So to sumise we look doomed but sport is for gays, reality TV is where real men hang out these days. A fantasy world where West ham can’t hurt or embarrass, a fluffy place where we are surrounded in televisual amniotic fluid…what was that?? …Winston Churchill the first black leader….TEEEDDDDYYY!!!

Ratings

Green - Stan Butler - 4

Dailly - Jack the conductor - 3

The rest - Olive - 0

‘We’ll score again , don’t know where , don’t know when but I know we’ll score again some sunny day….altogether now…we’ll score again don’t know where don’t when…’ Cockney wit eh? What a crazy bunch of waccado’s we really are.

Man O Man (god bless that show) is this season depressing. I’m so so depressed I could be Peter Cech’s skull. What with Fred, I say Fred passing away and then a defeat to those bell ringing inbred south coast swampwhores..I’m not happy.

2 nil. And despite what Pards might profess it was a comprehensive defeat and all masterminded by 4 premiership veterans who  at some stage of their careers have all been a bit of a laughing stock.

Nwanku *titter* Canoe, Sol ‘change at Baker St’ Campbell, Andrew Cole and David Calamity, Nintendo, Jamo James did the damage with quality displays especially the 35 Nigerian years, 84 European years old Kanu. A goal from him and a late tuck home from Cole sealed a comfortable 3 points for Pompey.

But up until Kick off we’d had quite the day out despite Fratton being twinned with  New Jack City ‘give me a job Nino you gotta give me a job Nino’, we ended up in Gunwharf harbour and Toots Supergrass and I were in gentrification heaven.

Being the sophisticats that we are the Yachts, the Wine bars, the Frankie and Benny’s really became us. In fact as we sipped exotic Australian lager and ate Daloon rolls it really was living La Vida Loca and Supergrass was our furry Ricky Martin.

Unfortunately the talent wasn’t exactly top drawer in fact at times it was like being in the middle of a Picasso painting, cubist period. Needless to say Supergrass still managed a couple lazy’s.   

But as 2.30 rolled round, being the social chameleons that we are, we flicked into football mode; the Green St Elite were on the move. And as the game kicked off the team actually started well.

We dominated the opening exchanges, but very much like Extras and Fresh Fields we’ve got the second series blues, we’ve no killer punch line for all the decent build up play. And after 25 dominating yet toothless minutes Pompey scored with a Walter Softy of a goal.

 Ethers didn’t close down Johnson and as Kanu, yes That Kanu , the one famed for his aerial prowess and sharp movement in the box, evaded Anton. He was left free to shoulder home Johnson’s floated cross and past old squashy face in goal.

1 nil down and at this point you could have a stuck a fork in as we were as good as done. The rest of the half we were like the Unconventionals all over the place and wearing cardigans. Teddy decided to have a row with Johnson at one point and at another conjecture a fan got chucked out of the ground by 8 old bill in front of a rather bemused Mascherano. We were in  need of halftime inspiration.

I imagined that scene from the Wonder years, where Kevin Arnold joins the Soccer team and it’s full of all the geeks including his mate Paul and the one with twitch and their 12 nil down at halftime and Coach Pop Macintyre has his head in his hands as he realises what his life has become….

                                                 Kevin Arnold hanging with 16yr old 

So for Kevin read Nigel, I prayed he could deliver the locker room speech that would reignite Pop Macintyre and turn our fortunes around… But alas from that day on I knew things would never be the same…

No real reason for this photo..but its him yes Kevin Arnold (Fred Savage) as he is today. You would never have guessed would you… 

Second half we looked marginally more of a threat James saved well from Konch and Reo but Pompey never got to the desperate defending stakes and were never stretched.

Our play in central midfield was fine and generally up until the final third was ok but we lack belief at the moment, no one willing to take responsibility, no one wanting to take a man on, try the something unexpected..As I often say during polite conversations ‘It is better to be the widow of a hero than the wife of a coward’

But then as Yossi and Etherington skipped out the way of yet another tackle I was more inclined to agree with Sinitta and  say that he needs to be so macho.

So as our attempts at creating an attempt on goal became ever more futile, it left Pompey the chance to score a second. Gabby was back to his bingo winged worst and allowed Fernandes to get a run on him, bad communication from Anton and Spector allowed a simple one two to breach the defence and although Spector was unlucky like a Benfica keeper with his recovering challenge Cole was sharper than the rest to sweep home.

Game over and as we looked over at Pardew suited and booted I thought it’s gonna take more than a touch of spiff to get him through the next few weeks.

Yids next….it might hurt…

Ratings.

Roy’s Rolls – Crap, he is non existent  this season, he fills you about as much confidence as a Top gear health and safety manual. In fact as your on top of the players at Fratton park one fan screamed at him to ‘get ’em going’ and Roy let out this meek ‘c’mon Gabby your all very very nice people’. Boy did that shake ’em up. And I’m afraid Roy for that reason you’re out… 4

Konch – As average as it goes, couple of scuffers from the edge of the box, but none of the marauding, overlap to the byline, whipped in cross followed by a healthy dose of rape and pillage of the front row of opposing fans. 5

Gabby – What’s happened to him, lackadaisical ain’t the word. He needs some discipline.  If he was on ladette to lady that teethy headmistress would have that shirt tucked in and he’d be walking with a book on his head whilst arranging flowers until the cows came home. Unless he smartens up jolly quickly he is utterly utterly out of this team. 4

Anton – Not much better, no one tried to steal his watch which was a start, didn’t get into a fight which was good, didn’t get arrested so well done Anton things are looking up. Now about Kanu he’s 12 ft 7 and has size 18 feet watch him next time. 5

Jonnnaathhhaann – Beauty school drop out…A real life sweet valley high school quarter back in the team and he’s bound to be banging the prom queen. The all American dream, boy would I love a thick shake with this guy. Clean cut, Ivy League, Omega sigma frat….go defence…but can you imagine him on spring break…Party on Jonathan… Party on Monk. Excellent. 6

Ethers – Since when did we sign Charles Hawtry for the left wing? That Girls Aloud bint dropping him has a lot to answer for. Dirty Fuckpig I vow never to cough yoghurt over you again. Come on Matt.. for me.. 5

Mullins – MoM…yes our Man O Man. Just getting on with things. No doubt a simple man with simple pleasures but everyone needs someone like that. And after all this is said and done  I hope he marries his long-time sweetheart and starts a family up on his grandpa’s farm in the hills…but strictly avoids any camping trips herding sheep with Donnie Darko. That would be nice. 7

Reo Cokeleberry – Actually bad boy, rude boy, public enemy number one did alright. Dynamic first half but faded second. Been dug out enough this year. I predict a massive game for him at Spurs.  7

Yossi – What loser Charles Hawtry on one wing and Mr Bean on the other all the goal threat of Batters down mile end. He just had to be injured. He was the mayor of stinksville. Shocking. 3

Bob – he at least tried his best, but you know what’s he like, all fancy flicks and pretty teeth. Not one effort anywhere the goal…infact not one attempt from our inform striker…worrying. 5

Ted – Ummmmm First half was alright, involved and even a little fire in the belly. 2nd a total nonentity. I have to say I preferred him to Bobby but he is not the answer. I’d imagine in a winning creative team Ted would shine cos he still has touch and vision but in one scraping for anything like a goal he’s a passenger. Sorry Ted I love you and you bangtastic exploits but relegation scrap nah… 5

Subs – made no impact and the choice all wrong. 1

Gutted I’m nervous for Sunday and I when I say nervous, its Tena lady time
From Friday onwards…

The Photographer has since been sacked for producing an image that appears that I’m not quite looking my best..Got the lighting all wrong….

Pain in the Rain

Didn’t it rain ? but lets be honest it needed it. Well not really but its what old slightly senile grand parents say and unfortunatley that feels a little bit like Pard’s post match interview. 

After slumping like George Michael behind the wheel of car to a 5th successive defeat Pards states ’we’re gonna be alright’ and ‘we just need a bit of luck’ and ‘no one is panicking’, the only thing he forgot to add was that ‘we’re too good a side to go down’.

Now I don’t think we will go down but the atmosphere around the place at the moment is wholly reminiscent of this time 4 years ago. A goal from the cockle pickler after only 75 seconds sealed our fate.

He skipped past Benayoun’s nominal attempt at a tackle and smashed the ball past Carroll from 20 yards and that was about as far up the pitch as Reading dared venture all game. They proceded to sit back, dig in and hang on for what they could.

To our credit we responded positively and we dominated proceedings so much so that you could have renamed Reading our Boobey. Although Pards had a touch of the Raymond Babbits about in the postmatch interview, his team selection beforehand was his most understandable and IMO correct  of the season.

The defence due to injuries picked itself, but in midfield our balance was restored and importantly an enviroment that was to offer the disruptive and underwhelming  Reo Coker no excuses. Up front we at last had a target man in Cole and Tevez was given a much more central attacking brief.

And it worked, as the rain made the surface wetter than a pensioner at a Mecca bingo near Sandhurst, we adapted to the conditions better . Tevez ,Cole ,Mullins and Yossi created some decent flowing football.

We had strikes from distance that never really troubled Hahnamann but we were on top and at the back Gabby instead of the flabby, floppy, Liz McDonald’s cleavage of a performance we’d been seeing of late alongside the genuis he was tight.

Tevez was also worthy of mention, yeh ok he may look like he’s been bobbing for chips in a deep fat fryer, but with the ball at his feet he is a beaut.Maybe two,,, three games at the most, in that position , playing alongside Cole and we will have some player on our hands..maybe White Hart lane is the his destiny.

So the second half kicked off and I was pregnant with expectation. This was it. The 45 minutes where we redefine our season. I was convinced Upton park was gonna be a better place. I hoped the players had looked in the halftime mirror, realised that it was gonna feel real good, that they were gonna make a difference.

Even Pard’s had turned up the collars of his favourite winter coat and as we came back out on to the pitch I roared. I roared so loud my uvula started bleeding. Yes I roared.

As aside talking of uvula’s my mate has got a massive one and when he’s asleep it relaxes so much he can feel it lying there on the middle of his tongue. Wrong…Uvula freaks weirdo shit.

But as the half progressed it seemed my bleeding uvula was to be in vain. The game was shaping up exactly the same as the first half with Reading rounding the wagons just outside the penalty box and us laying half a siege.

Only difference was no early goal for the dog eater who incidentally said that his goal was dedicated to San Lee. Our former Korean superstar who was last seen at little heath with a bus ticket to Morecombe in his pocket.

Mullins was providing the thoughtful prompting and Yossi Matty and Tevez were taking up great positions but lacking any kind of telling final ball. Tevez in fact had two woeful efforts from the edge of the box as his tireless running was beginning to take toll. They (Reading) called him a Fat Maradona. Genius.

Pard’s made the changes and took Tevez and Carlton off to bring on Ted and Bobby Zee. And the fresh legs almost had the desired effect. Sheringham with a great reverse ball put Ethers away and his half shot, half cross went inches wide of both post and player, Zamora almost wriggled a way through and then finally at the very death Benayoun was able to lob over Hahnemann only to see Sidwell clear from under his own cross bar. It defo wasn’t to be.

In the post match analysis there were plus points, our defence which had leaked like a mother of six’s pelvic floor all season was tighter. Maybe Dailly provided our kegel maneourves.  

Our passing was sharper and more purposeful and the front pairing had much promise. We just hope that these green shoots of recovery won’t be downtrodden by ‘R ‘Arry if that is the case   and the rot isn’t stopped then winter looks long.

Ratings.

Carroll – He’s a worry I think, last year he was all over Anton and Gabby like Alf on piece of Mrs Ventris cake. This year he’s indecisive and a bit of shrinking erm luminous green violet if the truth be told. Must be lacking confidence…which happens if you’re not fully fit?? Just an idea like guv…5

Phil – Young Blond and American. So what do we reckon is he, Ivy League college boy and owns a cardigan with a big C, or is he just a skater boy whose ‘got two tickets to Iron maiden maybe….. Thought he played well got a bit of gay body shape.  Moment on the lips lifetime on the hips Jonathan…7

Danny G – That was better, not flawless but better much better. Maybe it’s the Mullins screen that does the trick and maybe his punts upfield didn’t look so bad as Cole was making something of it. But overall encouraging from the care bear. 6

Dailly. Solid putting it on the line. But he always does this, lulls you in for a couple of games ‘actually he’s not that bad’, ‘he can do a job’, ‘don’t know what all the fuss was about’…then BANG out come the clown shoes and its 14-nil to Chesterfield. Paying dues though was up to it today. Well played but please get fit soon Anton. 7

Konch – Best piece of play came when only had his sock on. He was ok today. Never put any under pressure and at last in the second regained a bit of confidence to go on and do a semi maraud or two. As I say the green shoots are there can he build on it, will he build on it Hope so. Build it buttercup.6

Yossi – Yossi Yossi I’m at a lossi. He is so skilful brave and has such good work rate yet he just doesn’t have that Berkovic vision and end product. He looked a lot more at hoe on the right of midfield today with no Bowyer or Tevez in his way and seemed to know exactly where he was on the pitch but still I just want a bit more even a shot would be nice. 6

Mullins – The Partition. Man of the Match and just a general big up all-round to the fella. Really positive reaction to be being dropped no sounding off ala Bobby Zee. Just head down and when he’s come back in just picked up where he left off. brill. 8

Reo Coker – Can’t be arsed to get all down on him, but just check his pull out poster, ’I am footballer not a model’ in the programme. Wrong. Caption competition anyone ?

The bloke is so low on confidence he hides from the ball but he’s so arrogant he won’t admit it and instead throws a hissy fit when he gets subbed. No excuses to day his mates were along side him and he didn’t deliver. 4

Ethers – well he is out of form, time and again he’s got into dangerous positions and failed to deliver, when he crossed high it should have been low, low when high etc etc etc . Again it was good to see him in those positions and we look a t better side for it but if continues to fuck up all his good work then he’s got be dropped. 5

Cole – Back to goal, in the air excellent, did what Harewood did last year and unsettled people left right and centre but on the ground when it matters in the box he had the touch of a milk truck driver. We need him though and more than justified his place above Bobby zee.

Subs - did ok. Nowt that Great. teddy had two sublime moments but no more of a goal threat than previously.
 

European Vacation Over

So thats it then, the ‘were all going on european tour’ is over, finished….. In round one, at the first hurdle and what an utter anticlimax it was. I haven’t been this let down since I got a grifter over a raleigh burner for Xmas in 1986. Slip gear is no compensation for stunt pegs. After the FA cup final I was so looking forward to Europe, it was going to be the donkey’s knob of a competition. We were to cut a swathe through Europe as the players swashbuckled thier way through matches and we left a trail of ripped bodices, broken hearts and syphillis in our wake.

But alas no, I only actually made it as far as Bar Italia in Soho and as we know the team crashed out 4-0 on aggregate. Bollocks. Europe, pah, totally overrated. Im sure defeat was all part of the takeover or the Carrick deal. In a packed Bar Italia at kick off, which isn’t exactly an IMAX of venue to watch a game it has to be said, the atmosphere was filled with expectation and belief.

Firstly there was relief that the game was actually on but as the bar quickly packed out with Hammers and the Peroni started to flow, added to the site of the travelling fans on the big screen, you got the feeling that if we book them they will come. And the game started brightly for us. Pards had gone with a front 3 of Cole Harewood and Tevez and it was the later that burst into the Palermo box after only 5 minutes and unleashed a rasping drive that was met with an equally fine save.

Palermo settled after our fast start and just as it seemed they had taken a grip on the game we had our make or break spell. In the space of 5 minutes Harewood, Collins and Cole all drew top drawer saves from the Italian keeper. With chances at a premium in both legs up until this point, we needed desperatley to have converted, but alas no. And in true European virgins style we are then hit by the sucker punch, a speculative strike from the edge of the box that crept inside Carroll’s far post. And at that point Michelle McManus really was clearing her throat.

We had one more pivotal moment as Cole missed a sitter of a header from 5 yards out crashing off the post when really he should have scored. That would have given us a glimmer, but more dithery from Gabbidon gifted them a second and then a final strike on the break sealed our fate.  Bar Italia thinned out , the bemused staff drew breath, the state of the art till could cool down and we ordered panettone at last.

 All in all depressing shit, we weren’t that bad but lacked class and its no bad thing to be out as our league form needs serious attention,  its just, just Europe just had that a little bit of glamour about it, our next cup game is Chesterfield away…….

Abriged ratings

Top of the Class - James Collins

Acceptable behaviour - Spector, Bowyer, Cole, Marlon, Tevez

Must do better - Mascherano, Konch, Carroll

See me afterwards - Reo Coker, Gabbidon.

Other News -

So there I am flicking through the latest edition of Mens Health, trying not get any of the grease from my jumbo sausage roll on the pages and  whose 3 cheery mugs do I get smiling back at me…..Teddy Christian and and Nige.. Yes our three most recent captains in a double page Mens Health photo shoot and article. The article is entitled ‘The generation game’ and profiles how to keep in shape for footie in your 40’s 30’s and 20’s….The article is more a big up for Niall Clark, but Teddy remarks on how supple he is these days , he’s lot more flexible these days and it prolongs things for him….Miss Uk has recently echoed these sentiments.

Christian works on speed a lot. Enough said and finally Nigel starts his section off with ‘Im a natural athlete’ Modest words  although he did stop short of saying he has natural rhythm. He works a lot on his ball skills apparently, its been in real evidence this year. But made me smile to see them in there, not right really is it ? West Ham players in Mens Health, next it’ll be Dougie joining Titmarsh on ground force…De’Ath’s canteen nightmares or Brown replacing Alvin Hall..ridiculous.

Interesting spot on another blog about the interest in West Ham over in Argentina. The West ham shirt is now a must have item and as popular as Villareal and Barca shirts, Fox sports in argentina who cover the premier league have given thier chief presenter a brand new studio.  Juan Manuel Pons is becoming a cult hero. Known as the bambino he apparently likes to sing songs in tribute after an Argie abroad scores a goal…lets pray to god and allah that he gets at least one rendition out whilst they play in claret and blue.

And the news papers have also gone crazy over the transfer. The biggest paper ‘Ole’ had an entire  page scoffing at Pards substitution of Tevez vs Newcastle as he was quoted as saying ‘we needed a goal’. The Argies are watching us.

So there we go, Reading are the vistors tomorrow , you get the feeling its gonna be ugly, any kind a win is required scrappy boring dull as long as we get a win. A draw will be a downer but not the end of the world but defeat is almost unthinkable. Come on you Argies lets hear Bambino sing !!

des lynam countdown